Dude, Wheres My Cricket?
ZooZoos, PowerPlay and naked women: since when did cricket become such a complicated game to understand? Tanmay Bhat ponders in a brand new column!Updated: May 07, 2011 13:47 IST
Remember the good old days when you'd gather around with your friends and discuss an ODI with unmatched enthusiasm? Remember discussing Sachin's century at Sharjah? Or Hrishikesh Kanitkars last ball heroics against Pakistan? Remember discussing the "Venkatesh Prasad - Aamir Sohail" incident (or as I remember it, my first orgasm)?
Now a days, a post match analysis includes a wide range of discussions including Katrina Kaif's need to go third base on an Alphonso, where did that new ZooZoo procure viagra from (SMS 3JIZZ to 111)), how Hema Malini makes a water purifier sound like the C word, but most importantly - WHAT THE &%^%#^ HELL IS A UDRS?
Im sorry, was cricket not a complicated enough game already? Did we really need the extra rules? Especially when we're trying to take the sport to nations such as Canada, where the average IQ level is "Bryan Adams" and tolerance level is "French"?
If presented with an option of picking a sport to watch, which one would you choose:
1. Football: One ball, 2 Teams, Goal Post, HOT BRAZILIAN NAKED CHICKS.
2. FORMULA 1 - Fast Cars, One Circuit, Finish Line, HOT ALMOST NAKED CHICK HOLDING UP FLAG AT FINISH LINE.
3. Cricket: 2 Teams, 50 overs each where an over is 6 balls, where a ball is where this dude runs up to the crease … uhh, a crease is that line on the wicket.. wait, so a wicket is the three sticks on the pitch…a pitch is also called the wicket.. and when a batsman gets out it's called a wicket. Whats a batsman? Aah yeh… so… that dude with the stick who hits a boundary.. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A BOUNDARY IS? WTF! WHAT ARE YOU, A MANDIRA BEDI?!?! GET OUT OF MY FA - OOH LOOK CHEERLEADERS IN SARI!
If you thought that the shorter format of the game would've been easier to understand…. You probably also thought that Powerplay is defined as what's on between Lalit Modi and Sharad Pawar.
And what the hell is a Poonam Pandey? Sometimes I wonder if the chicks who followed cricket when it was invented were like the chicks who followed cricket today…. Simi Garewal would've taken off tha… actually no wait, I'm glad this is happening today and not earlier.
And it's not just the actual sport that's changed. The management is also not quite the same. Let's just say that currently, there's a very good chance that we are the Suresh Kalmadi of world cricket. On a side note, did you know that if you spell"BCCI" backwards and subtract it by a "B" it says "ICC"?
Perhaps the answer lies in tailoring the game's rules to the country the ICC is trying to sell the game to - USA: If you win a test match, you get Libya. Also, if the other team has a lot of batsmen and if you need batsmen, you can INVADE their team, bring about democracy and make batsmen cheaper in your country.
France: Helmets and any other item that covers the face of an individual, especially if it starts with a 'B' and ends in an 'Urqah', will be banned.
China: No words resembling the word "Google" shall be used as cricketing jargon. Hence, the word 'Googly' will have to be changed to "Bing-ly" or "Yahoo-ly" or "Alta Vista-Ly" or maybe even "Bruce-Ly". Haha, I kid. "Yahoo-Ly" just sounds ridiculous.
Nepal: The phrase "taking guard" will have to be replaced by a less sexual phrase.
Who knows, if things go well, maybe a few more countries will fall in love with the sport just the way we did. Maybe one day, the country with the most power in the sport, the most viewership in the sport, the most money in the sport will not have to win a world cup to help the game survive. Until then I'm going to try and believe that it's just a coincidence.
Tanmay Bhat is a 23 year old comic from Mumbai. He comes Rajnikanth pre- approved and he suffers from ADHD. You should really follow his column because - oooh look, a cat!
Follow Tanmay on Twitter at www.twitter.com/thetanmay