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Go take a hike

Me: I mean, we haven’t received the appraisal forms yet and it’s almost March.Evil HR guy: All is well.

india Updated: Feb 25, 2012 23:09 IST
Manas Chakravarty
Manas Chakravarty
Hindustan Times
Manas Chakravarty,economy,news

Me: I was just wondering…
Evil HR guy: Great. Wonder is good.
Me: I mean, we haven’t received the appraisal forms yet and it’s almost March.
Evil HR guy: All is well.
Me: Wow, we’re getting good hikes then?
Evil HR guy: No, no, you’re supposed to say ‘All is well’ when things get tough.
Me: Oh. Not-so-decent hikes then?
Evil HR guy: Don’t you know there’s a slowdown in the global economy, the local economy, the company?
Me: Yes, but…
Evil HR guy: So naturally everybody is going through a bad patch. Look at Sachin Tendulkar.
Me: Have you seen the report that says the average salary of CEOs in India has gone up by 30% to R2 crore?
Evil HR guy: You think you’re a CEO?
Me: It says cross-sector employability of CEOs, coupled with scarcity of holistic CEOs, has created a scramble for talent. I may not be a CEO, but I’m holistic, you know, wholly holistic.
Evil HR guy: What? They’re CEOs, they need the incentives.
Me: Ok, let’s not call it a salary hike. What about a stimulus package?
Evil HR guy: Look, everybody’s hurting, including the public sector guys.There’s a friend of mine in the government who was telling me how scared he is. We were sitting around as usual in my friend’s office canteen and he suddenly says he wants to insure his leg. I laughed and asked him whether he thought he was Lionel Messi. He said he had been struck by the thought that he had been sitting around shaking his leg for the last 20 years and drawing a salary for doing practically nothing else. What would happen, he asked me, if he woke up one day and found he couldn’t shake his leg. Why would they pay him then? You see, everybody has problems.
Me: But I work so hard.
Evil HR guy: That’s because you love your work, right?
Me: Of course, I’m highly motivated.
Evil HR guy: Economic theory says when you work, you suffer disutility, and you’re paid to compensate for it. If you like what you do, there’s no disutility and therefore no need to get paid.
Me: Huh?
Evil HR guy: But don’t worry. We could give you a higher designation. You’re consulting editor now, aren’t you? How does Consulting Editor Kicked-Further-Up-The-Ladder sound to you?
I have since come up with a foolproof plan to ensure we get good hikes every year and beat the machinations of malevolent HR people. Everyone knows your current employers don’t really appreciate your true worth and the real gains are made when you jump ship to a new job, when you can get at least a 30% hike. So the thing to do is to hatch a diabolical plot together with your friends in another company in the same business. The trick is to resign en masse with your colleagues, while all your friends in the other organisation also resign. You and your colleagues can then get hired in that company with a 30% hike, while the chaps from that place are hired in your current company with a similar hike. Repeat the process gleefully every year, chortling all the way to the bank.
Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint
Views expressed by the author are personal

First Published: Feb 25, 2012 22:36 IST