E-Paper
...in the year 2010
There are many improbable events that will probably happen in the next 364 days. All we have to do to make them obvious now is to put on a special pair of goggles that will allow us to see them coming round the proverbial mountain. Here’s a roster of 10 things that we foresee happening...
1. AJMAL KASAB admits to being a key participant in the 26/11 Mumbai terrorist attacks. He goes on record to not only state that he has seen an AK-47 but that he has also used it. His contention that he believed all his victims to be Hindu fundamentalists disguised as Indians is patiently heard even as an Indian publisher gets him to sign a book deal for an undisclosed amount after the publisher has signed a movie deal with a producer who has links with Dawood Ibrahim. The undisclosed amount ends up funding the Lashkar-e-Tayyeba.
2. SACHIN TENDULKAR makes an innocuous remark during a function that he's a cricketer first, an Indian second, a Maharashtrian third, and a curly-haired short man with a high-pitched voice fourth. Riots erupt in Mumbai after curly-haired short men with high-pitched voices believe Tendulkar to have insulted curly-haired short men with high-pitched voices. These mobs are led by goons who aren't necessarily from the Maharashtra Navnirman Sena, Shiv Sena or Sushmita Sena.
3. RATAN TATA announces the launch of the Rs 450 car. To keep costs down, no name is given to the car and no media announcement is made either. Rumour has it that in its price range, it's the finest vehicle with a internal combustion engine in the world. Despite not actually seeing the car or even knowing anything about it, the number of bookings cross a million in a fortnight since the announcement about the car is not made.
4. L.K. ADVANI, the BJP’s mentor, tells the party to select a young, charismatic member of the Nehru-Gandhi family and groom him as the BJP's next prime ministerial candidate. Leaders approach the 10-year-old Raihan Gandhi Vadra who tells them that they'll first have to ask mummy. That very day, Raihan's uncle Varun Gandhi makes an inflammatory speech about the need to eat meat. He is thrown out of the BJP and his mother’s house.
5. AMITABH BACHCHAN, wearing incredible make-up, stars in a film in which he looks his age. What wows audiences is how remarkably he also manages to sound like Amitabh Bachchan. TV anchors interview him in his Amitabh Bachchan persona that is so genuine that even his family believes they’re watching the real Amitabh Bachchan. Later, on reading about other Amitabh Bachchans, Amitabh Bachchan visits them and brings unexpected joy to their sorry lives.
6. CLIMATE CHANGE ACTIVISTS, upset by the no-show in Copenhagen, borrow tactics from PETA activists by protesting in their underwear or less to focus on the global perils of climate change. While people finally find something good about global warming in this form of political activism, there’s all-round condemnation about having to see environmental scientist R.K. Pachauri standing butt naked next to the Little Mermaid statue in Copenhagen.
7. NANDAN NILEKANI faces his first major obstacle in his Unique Identity project when it is found that Mukesh Ambani and Anil Ambani are actually one entity posing as two for tax reasons. That the UID was to correct exactly this kind of duplicity — as well as settle whether Laxmikant-Pyarelal are to be considered to be one or two persons — does not deter Nilekani to restart the project, this time with a new, radical methodology: counting raised hands.
8. SHEILA DIKSHIT, during the opening ceremony of the Delhi Commonwealth Games, says she's worried about the project being completed in time. Even as she speaks, stands in the stadium are being given 'finishing touches' (read: being made). There is a huge sigh of relief from organisers when the track for the track and field events — laid minutes before the start of the 400m relay — is finished just before the race is completed. Some gold and bronze medals are couriered to winning athletes after the closing ceremony as someone has forgotten that finishing stadiums wasn’t the only part of being prepared for this international sporting event.
9. MANMOHAN SINGH boldly claims that West Bengal is not a part of China but an integral part of India. Beijing counters by saying that India has no claims over the Hunan province. As escalations mount, Pakistan announces that the Tehrik-i-Taliban is a terrorist outfit created by India's R&AW. The ISI issues a notification complaining about not getting due credit from the civilian government in Islamabad. Barack Obama says all this wouldn't have happened if Kashmir was resolved. He wins a second Nobel Peace Prize for making the statement.
10. KISHENJI, the Maoist leader, as part of an alternate strategy, begins a hunger-strike to drive out Indian forces and officials from areas under Maoist control. With food prices spiking to a record high and food distribution networks non-functional in these areas, locals treat this hunger-strike as a joke and start anti-Maoist campaigns. The Centre tables a report in Parliament highlighting this fact. All parties, including the Opposition, vow to come together to keep food prices high and thus fix India’s internal security problem.
