Name Games

A look at the "conservative" Shobha De and Indian society's obsession with changing names, writes Vijaya Sharma.

Shobha De is out with her new book, . She draws on her own marriage, from the lives of her friends, from people she knows closely to come up with this marriage manual. The book seems to be doing pretty well with 10,000 copies sold in just the first week.

Many have found the book to be regressive, conservative. De herself says: "Readers might be shocked and awestruck to discover a conservative wife and mother in real life. I love the surprise element of that."

And what according to her is the best way to keep a marriage rocking even at 60?

Good sex and great communication are the magic words, says Ms De. All else will fall into place if these two factors are alive and kicking between couple at 60.
De always evokes strong reactions and people love to hate her. But popular she certainly is. Many women of today who want to combine the best of personal with the professional see her as their role model. She is the new-age guru who tells her fellow women to use their sexuality judiciously to get what they want. Four of Dé’s novels are featured in the post-graduate popular culture curriculum of the University of London.

With two marriages, six children, a lifestyle which involves meeting the high-flyers of India today almost daily, and an obsession for "watching marriages" (her own admission), De should know a thing or two about relationships. But to each his own, so it is best left to readers to deliver the final verdict on De's marriage truths.

What's in a name?
Since we were talking about conservative attitudes, our society seems to be a little too hung up on the "husband factor". While it is perfectly legal for a woman to retain her maiden name post-marriage, you will find them hitting roadblocks everywhere. In the bank, with the postal department - just about everywhere where it becomes almost a matter for the CBI to probe into when you use your maiden name even if you are married. The questions range from the irritating to the ridiculous - what proof do you have that you and the Mrs so and so in question are the same person. If you are married why do you want to retain your surname?

A woman might want to retain her surname for a variety of reasons: She might be a scribe, an actor, an author, a corporate woman and people know her by a particular name. It is her brand equity, so it is convenient to retain that name rather than go around clarifying to all and sundry that "hey that's me." Some women post-marriage hyphenate their names - retain their maiden surname and add their husband's surname also to avoid confusion and obstacles caused in getting papers cleared and the like.

Not just that, post-marriage some families insist that the girl should change her name. Fondly they bestow on her a new name or one which hubby dearest chooses. So if you are called Anju all your 27 years, how does Latika sound to your ears? Some families even go as far as choosing names which match the name of their dearest, darling son.

Does anybody care that for the girl it might mean a loss of identity? In a new family with 'strangers", a name change turns her into a stranger for herself too.

The beauty of relationships matter. What's in a name?