The devil sits inside

I hated it but I had to admit to feeling snubbed. I had to admit that I couldn't accept with equanimity even a mild rejection.

india Updated: Oct 30, 2003 16:00 IST

This is not a fictional account. I might have to change the names of people that I make a mention of just in case they desire it to be so. Rest all is true but there is obviously no way that I can prove that to you. The only motive behind writing this is to share with anyone (who is just as inclined towards) the little discoveries that I make in my attempt to see that which is not tangible but more real than what is. I really do look forward to hearing from whosoever wishes to write back to me about one's own feelings on the 'subject'. The link for writing back is given right below my own account. I hope to write to you every Wednesday and Saturday.

I had been waiting for this all along. I had been waiting for a critical mail(s) from one of you, a mail which did not approve of what I was writing, a mail which did not appreciate what I was doing. I wanted to see how I would respond to it internally ... I am under self-scrutiny you see. (I admit I have a long distance to cover as far as doing one's work and forgetting about it is concerned!) And that mail finally arrived on October 26. The writer Mr Malik is not exactly 'critical' of what I have been writing but is not appreciative either; he in fact wants me to do away with writing down my own experiences. Please read the unedited mail below:

Namaskar Megha,
I have gone through some of your write-ups. But to be honest, I was moved by the lines of Paramahansa Yogananda about how we should completely surrender to the Will of Lord and to understand that it is He who will take care of our sustenance and survival.

Though I had read these lines in his book that I read many years back, I still went through them again and again as they are so inspiring.

My suggestion to you is that instead of talking of your own experiences, you must take us through the minds and writings of such great masters like Paramhansa Yogananda which would be a really spiritually uplifting experience for all of us. Aum Namah Sivaya

- Rajiv Malik, New Delhi, India (October 26, 2003)

Believe me, this mail disconcerted me for a while and I watched myself with great amusement for I obviously couldn't lie to myself. I hated it but I had to admit to feeling snubbed, I had to admit that I couldn't accept with equanimity even a mild rejection.

Actually, I had expected a far more direct expression of criticism; something like "what rot are you writing", "stop this crap", "you are just a feeble-minded person who needs a psychological crutch very badly" and so on and so forth.

It is easier to deal with those kinds of mails; one gets over them thinking that there are those who agree and those who don't, simple ... but what I got instead was a reaction that conveyed (at least that is how I interpret it) "Can you stop wasting our time by elaborating upon trite personal details? Cut it out and get to the Masters please!"

This invisible devil called 'ego' - how it subtly controls every single thing that we do - how it controls us completely! I call it the devil because it is primarily the ego, which keeps us away from the Divine. Ego - how it destroys everything completely.

Mr Malik, if you are reading this, I would now explain to you the reason for not quoting the Masters all the time. If I had to quote what inspired me greatly in 'Autobiography of a Yogi', believe me I would have to put the whole book online, which anyway is available on the net. Same for the couple of other books that I have read!

And the fact of the matter is that I never did set out to 'take anyone through the minds and writings of great masters'. What I had in mind is exactly what I am doing: sharing with everyone the experiences and the angst that pulled me towards the Truth, and then the struggle involved in my attempt to get there. Believe me, it is the toughest road ever but I wonder what would it be like when someone actually gets there ... even the odd moments of temporary and minor realisations are so blissful. The greatest obstacles on the way are dishonesty with oneself and ego.

I just want to reach out to as many of you as possible and share those few incidents/experiences that have made me so much more eager to get in touch with that which is PERMANENT and therefore REAL.

Please don't expect in this space either words from a Realised Soul or enlightening sermons.

All I can offer is an honest, candid assessment of myself as I steer towards my way Home. Maybe you would see a few of those lacks in yourself too and work towards eliminating them.

All I will tell you about is those moments when I was able to feel the positive energy of the Cosmos, a couple of amazing people that I have met in the recent past and every other relevant detail. Maybe you too would want to access It and maybe you would get there faster.

I do so only in the humble hope of distracting as many people as possible from the daily quagmire we have all been conditioned to recognise as 'life' and turn their attention to the 'Shakti' that dwells within. The more I ask you to turn your attention towards the Goal the more I myself focus at it. As Swami Vivekananda said: It is the Giver who is blessed!

Write to meYour mails My replies

Previous Chapters

The power in words
One of those dreams
The miracle, God and I
The compassionate One
The turning point
Smile at God
They live with God
I visit a Tantric
That sinister presence
A brush with the spirit world
On my way Home

First Published: Oct 29, 2003 19:14 IST