The indulgent Mother!
Shiva has been relegated to the background; as I grew in years and hopefully wisdom too, I was told by the world that one doesn't marry Gods!india Updated: Nov 06, 2003 10:42 IST
This is not a fictional account. I might have to change the names of people that I make a mention of just in case they desire it to be so. Rest all is true but there is obviously no way that I can prove that to you. The only motive behind writing this is to share with anyone (who is just as inclined towards) the little discoveries that I make in my attempt to see that which is not tangible but more real than what is. I really do look forward to hearing from whosoever wishes to write back to me about one's own feelings on the 'subject'. The link for writing back is given right below my own account. I hope to write to you every Wednesday and Saturday.
I personally relate to the Divine in three forms - one of them is the Mother (Shakti) as Kali, the other is my childhood sweetheart Shiva, whom I wanted to marry as a child and about the third I will tell you some time else.
Shiva has been relegated to the background; as I grew in years and hopefully wisdom too, I was told by the world that one doesn't marry Gods and I started to relate to Shiva as a Father - what a transition but then God doesn't mind!
Before I reached puberty, I used to dream of Him every single night ... I would just be hovering around Him while He would be busy with His daily chores, minding the affairs of the Universe and other such things.
In hindsight I know why He blessed me with His presence every single night; when I was a child, I had unquestionable faith in Him; there was no scepticism, no wise ones from the logical brain! Even if I were having a glass of Rasna during summers, I would go out, raise my glass to the skies and ask Him to have a sip!! That was my level of faith.
As I grew and teenage hit, not only did I learn to 'question' everything but also the worldly distractions were in abundance. I stopped sharing things with Him… my attention was elsewhere and gradually He stopped visiting me.
The argument that whatever occupies one's thoughts heavily during the day is what one sees in one's dreams is nothing but a feeble and tired logic for me … no matter how much I asked for it, my husband refused to visit me in my dreams during courtship years!
It was only years later when one day, for some reason, I felt Shiva's absence acutely and slept off crying, asking Him for forgiveness that He yielded to my hysterical pleas. He came in my dream and conveyed to me that though I can't feel it as tangibly anymore He still is watching over me.
I really can't explain to anyone my relationship with Him, not even to myself. Even as I begin to think about Him while writing to you, I can't stop smiling and all I can tell you is that He is an absolute sweetheart! But I really don't know why has He given me over to the Mother. I notice that my attitude towards Him is far more casual; I take Him for granted but I am much more careful in my approach towards the Mother. The Mother aspect is far more mystical for me, more intriguing; I am almost a spoilt brat with Shiva, my Father, my Friend, my everything!
But believe you me, the Mother too is ever so compassionate. If there is still a chasm in my relationship with Her, it is all because of me, She has never been the one to maintain a distance. It is me, the doubter, the sceptic...
I first felt a deep longing for Her at my in-laws' place. Every morning there, I would wake up to the sound of my brother-in-law singing to the Mother, praising Her glory. I would sit up in my bed (it is near the puja ghar there) and watch him sing; his face shining in the reflection of the diyas on the puja thal, his eyes sparkling with love for Her … his full-throated praise for the Mother never fails to overwhelm me.
On one of our (my husband and I) trips to Dehradun, I must have felt really envious of my brother-in-law's relationship with the Mother and I must have asked Her in all earnestness to grant me faith so that I too could enjoy the thrill of praising Her for I remember coming back to Delhi absolutely intoxicated with Her love.
We had detrained and were walking on the New Delhi Railway Station bridge, the air was nippy and I saw a beggar lying on the side, trying his best to cover himself with the tattered sheet. I vividly remember thinking, "Oh Mother, how Your children suffer, in which all forms do You reveal Yourself to me?"
And just as this thought passed inside my head, my throat choked and my feet felt heavy. I knew the Mother was walking by my side. Blame it all on me, I remained in that state only for a few days. But in those numbered days I saw Her working in miraculous ways.
It was my first day at work after leave and I was deeply immersed in Her thoughts. While I sat at my workstation I had to literally refrain myself from smiling at the Mother Who I felt was sitting at the table smiling at me lovingly (I now run a great risk of being labelled an absolute whacko at my work place!).
As it happened, one of my colleagues called me over to her workstation. She looked devastated and told me about a huge misfortune that had fallen upon her family and started to cry. That just broke my heart; it is difficult when someone cries in front of you and all you can do is nothing.
So I ran back to my desk and closed my eyes. "Mother, please do something. This is urgent. Do something quick. I know that in no earthly way can this problem get solved 'quickly' but I also know that nothing is impossible for you… please Mother, please," and as I prayed tears rolled down my eyes.
You wouldn't believe it but in an hour's time that colleague got back to me - all laughter and joy, and told me that the problem had been solved; that she couldn't believe it got solved so easily and so 'instantly'… oh God… even I couldn't believe it… rationally speaking, there was no way a favourable solution was possible and even if it was, it had to come via a lot of red tapism … and there we were, laughing with joy … logics and rationalities blown to the wind… such are the wonders of the Mother.
This is just one instance that I have told you about. I am a witness to innumerable favours that I have asked the Mother for (always for others, mind you) and has She ever failed me … I only smile with love and gratitude as an answer to that.
Please mark me absent
The devil sits inside
The power in words
One of those dreams
The miracle, God and I
The compassionate One
The turning point
Smile at God
They live with God
I visit a Tantric
That sinister presence
A brush with the spirit world
On my way Home
First Published: Nov 05, 2003 18:32 IST