Know strings attached: Simran Mangharam, on familiarity in love
Familiarity in a relationship can be a double-edged sword. It brings comfort. But it can also make one feel unseen and unheard.
In relationships, there is a fine line between familiarity and being taken for granted. In my opinion, familiarity is in the realm of intimacy in a relationship. There is a sense of comfort that comes from the fact that your partner knows and understands you well. The predictability of familiarity also gives a sense of security to the relationship.

Knowing the likes and dislikes of your partner and understanding common behavioural patterns definitely brings you closer as a couple.
For example, knowing what to order for your partner at a particular restaurant, or declining an invitation on behalf of your partner when you know they don’t particularly like spending time with the person inviting. This can extend to also accommodating for each other’s idiosyncrasies like which side of the bed to sleep on when you travel or remembering to carry the tea leaves your partner likes when packing for vacations.
Familiarity helps in doing small meaningful things or taking simple decisions on your partner’s behalf, based on observation of them over time.
But this comfort of familiarity with your partner, can also lead to either of the partners, or both, taking each other for granted. Familiarity makes you accommodative, but over-accommodating your partner can result in them taking you for granted. From understanding each other well to disregarding your partner’s feelings over time is not an impossibility. I’d go on to say that it is, in fact, a common occurrence. From not considering your spouse’s feelings, not including them in important decisions, demanding and expecting too much from your partner, to not listening and paying attention to your partner, all these are ways in which one can take their partner for granted. If not addressed, it can also lead to disharmony, frustration and perhaps the end of the relationship.
A couple I am coaching right now has been through this arc of familiarity leading to being taken for granted. The wife Ayesha has always been accommodative of her husband Omar’s ad hoc holiday and socialising plans. It was something she was familiar with even before they got married.
However, after a career change and two children, this approach did not seem sustainable to Ayesha. Her repeated requests to Omar to plan holidays and social engagements were met with disdain. The fact that Ayesha had not said anything about it before made Omar assume she was fine with the way things were. He continued to disregard her requests, and that’s what brought them to me.
It took a couple of sessions for Omar to understand that over the years Ayesha’s circumstances as an individual, and additions to the family, required a change in his operating style in this matter.
While familiarity in a relationship is good, it is also important to know that situations change, people evolve and that evolution is inevitable. As long as a couple consciously makes an effort to not let the familiarity become a reason to take your partner for granted, their relationship will stay loving and healthy.
(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on simran@floh.in)
