The tell-tale heart: When is a public confessional a good idea?

It can be tempting to shout one’s secrets into the seeming void of the internet. But just the urge can be a sign that your offline life needs attention.

Why do we change our mind about secrets?

Guilt can drive people to share their truth; so can the fear of being found out. The burden of the secret itself can be a heavy one, even when the wrongdoing is not one’s own.

This is part of why catharsis is such a vital tool in processing pain, shame, anger, trauma. The catharsis that comes from sharing a secret forms the basis of journaling and art therapy. It is a big part of psychoanalysis.

Catharsis itself comes from the Ancient Greek kathairein or katharos, meaning to cleanse or purge. Driven by this need, we have been writing down our thoughts, whispering them to loved ones and oracles, priests and shamans, for millennia.

But the public confessional is new. In the age of social media, such posts have become a way to bravely declare who you are, further a conversation, pledge support to a community, call perpetrators to account. In the global #MeToo movement, it led to consequences for powerful criminals, built a sense of community around survivors, helped spread awareness.

Seeing the success of others’ confessionals can be a significant motivator for people to share more of themselves online. “Because of the instant and extensive reach, social media can offer a sense of amplified catharsis,” says psychologist and life coach Sneha Shah. It also offers the veil of perceived anonymity. This can be a dangerous combination. “It feels anonymous, but isn’t. It fosters a sense of connection, validation and support from others”, but those others are often indifferent strangers.

So, when is a confession a mistake? How does one assess the risks?

* The where: Social-media platforms may be the most bustling option. But for confessionals about personal pain — past trauma, the death of a loved one, abuse, or life with a debilitating disease — it is often more helpful to seek out an online support group that addresses, as closely as possible, that specific situation. Such an audience has logged on to help (rather than the social-media user, who has typically logged on to be entertained). There is often a counsellor or therapist at hand on support group platforms, and these spaces are more heavily moderated. It is a safer space, and one that offers something closer to community, says psychotherapist Shanaya Boyce.

* The why: The rush of dopamine from likes and messages, the gush of adrenaline from wrestling with trolls, can become a compulsion. It can encourage one to say more than one otherwise would. “One could end up victimising ourselves and villainising others,” says life coach Chetna Chakravarthy. If the confessional behaviour is a frequent, un-thought-out occurrence, it can strain personal and professional relationships, for the sake of essentially meaningless engagement, adds Shah.

There’s something else that’s worrying about the trend of public confessionals online. “It can reflect the lack of a safe space in one’s life, in the form of friends or family with whom one can navigate these experiences,” says Chakravarthy.

* The how: As a rule, type out the note and sleep on it. Re-read it the next day. If this still seems like something you want to say to the world, find at least one trusted person who agrees that this is a good idea. This can include a counsellor or therapist.

If there isn’t someone in your life who can offer this kind of considered opinion and support then, again, that is a more pressing issue than the need to post a personal message to a website full of strangers.

“Rather than allowing comments from strangers to create a false sense of intimacy, work on the real-world relationships that could give you those vital people to turn to,” Chakravarthy says. “Also, never post a confession on a day when you are feeling unseen. Ask: Am I doing this to mirror the response someone else got? Ask: Am I prepared for the impact it will create in my life?”

* When is it a good idea? Doel Rakshit, 30, who works with a digital-marketing agency in Mumbai, came out as a trans woman on Facebook and Instagram in 2018. “It was one of the most crucial moments of my life. It was the first time I put my real self out there. It helped me find a circle of trust and empathy in a new city,” says the writer and musician.

Since then, she has often used social media to celebrate the joys of embracing her identity, and to vent about her struggles. “In my initial days in the city, I couldn’t afford consistent mental healthcare. I found ways to talk about abuse in relationships without naming individuals, rant about the fight to find a house. It was in no way a substitute for expert help, but being able to express the hardships helped me cope,” she says.

She was prepared for the trolling, and had enough of an offline support system to help counter it. That support system became bolstered by online allies. “Those online friendships translated into a tight offline community that I still turn to for support,” she says. “I had lived for far too long as someone else; it was time to celebrate my real self.”

If one has made a well-considered decision to step out of a closet, speak about mental health, reveal past trauma, or share anything of significance that has been weighing one down, sharing that message will likely feel like a weight has been lifted. And those who care for you will (and should) cheer you on.

Your message could help another person move past their own shame or fear. It could send out an inspiring message. Most vitally, it would reflect you as you wish to be seen, and this is a truly good reason.