Reasons why people pleasers struggle to be authentic
From feeling disconnected to the fear of not being accepted, here are a few reasons why being authentic is a struggle for people pleasers.
When we are brought up in dysfunctional homes where we did not receive the necessary amount of love, care and affection, we tend to become people pleasers in adult lives to avoid facing rejection. We become extra careful of the emotions that others may be facing and blame ourselves for the slightest of things. This further causes us to push ourselves down the priority line, and ignore our own needs, wants and expectations. We also shed our boundaries just to make others happy – causing us emotional turmoil later. People-pleasers also struggle to be themselves. Explaining the reasons, Therapist Klara Kernig wrote, "Do you struggle to be yourself? What has helped you, or what is holding you back? For a long time, I struggled to be myself, not only because I was scared to be myself but also because after years of people-pleasing, I didn't know who I was anymore (or maybe I never knew). Do you feel this way?"
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Klara stated a few reasons why people pleasers struggle to be authentic:
Disconnected: It happens because in the middle of all the people pleasing, we get disconnected with our own selves. In the process, we fail to understand ourselves.
Fear of being rejected: often we struggle to be ourselves because we do not have the confidence in us. We feel that our true selves will not be appreciated or accepted by others. Hence, we shy away and pretend.
Criticism: Constructive criticism is healthy, but when we are overly criticised for being ourselves, we tend to hide our true selves and start pretending to be a person who can be easily accepted by others.
Expectations: We set unrealistic expectations for ourselves and tend to be a version that is comfortable for others.
Discomfort: We feel that if we are authentic, we may end up making a few people uncomfortable.