Out of the ‘sinkhole’, Maana Patel finds joy (and wins) in the pool again

The 22-year-old was the sole female swimmer for India at the Tokyo Olympics but soon after was even questioning her career choices.

As deeply complex as those feelings were, Maana Patel remembers them vividly. “I was like, s***, I’m in a sinkhole and I cannot come out of it.” This was right after the Tokyo Olympics, where the 22-year-old debutant lived the high of being the lone Indian female swimmer. The low soon tailed her, the swirl of “a lot of thoughts and emotions” making her drown deep inside that sinkhole.

Guwahati: Swimmer Maana Patel flashes victory sign during the Women's 200m Backstroke event (PTI)

A year on, Maana has pulled herself out of it, finding joy in the pool again. At the recently-concluded National Games in her home state, the Ahmedabad backstroke swimmer pocketed three gold, two silver and a mixed medley bronze. All three wins came in the backstroke events: 50m (29.77s), 100m (1:04.35) and 200m (2:19.74), each wiping away her own earlier national meet records. She also clinched a couple of silver medals in the 50m and 100m freestyle without "really training for it".

In the senior nationals in Guwahati last month too, Maana swept the backstroke gold in 50m (29.79, new national meet record), 100m (1:04.33) and 200m (2:20.09). In May, she clocked the best Indian time of 1:03.69 in 100m backstroke at the Mare Nostrum meet in France, lowering her personal best. Maana had aimed to touch 1:02 in the 100m backstroke—in which she competed in Tokyo and clocked 1:05.20—in the nationals but is confident of doing so next season.

This time last season, that was the farthest thought in her mind. Competing in the 2021 nationals in October days after the Games, Maana settled for silver in the 50m and 100m and a fourth-place finish in the 200m backstroke events. "Although I was quiet about it, I sought redemption this time. I wanted to make things right for myself. I was not happy with the mindset with which I went into it last year—it was not how it should be,” she said.

That mindset comprised not wanting to be anywhere near a pool while also, in her most negative moments, questioning her career choice. “Going to the Olympics was my lifelong goal. After you’re done—I didn’t perform to my expectations and was upset about it—it suddenly felt like, ‘what now?’ I had mellowed, that fire in me was reducing. I was irritated and annoyed at the same time,” she said.

'Constant war in the mind'

Waking up to the thought of training—a routine so ingrained in her daily schedule—would be a nightmare. Maana returned home from Bengaluru. Till November, “I was dead. I did not want to go back”. The mental struggle, as she put it, was horrible.

“It’s like a constant war inside your mind, and you’re fighting it with your own self. You’re so confused and so lost. You don’t know where to go. You don’t know whom to reach out to. You don’t know how to deal with the situation. You cannot understand what’s going on.

“There were times when I questioned it all—why am I doing this, who am I doing this for, what will I get out of it, why do I put myself under this constant duress where everything is so extreme. In our world, when you want to achieve something extraordinary, you have to live an extreme lifestyle. At times, I did question it,” she said.

Tucked at home, Maana switched to a “normal life” for a few weeks and did “nothing”—no swimming, no workouts. Books remained her trusted ally. Soon, however, she realised she wasn’t cut out for it even in her most vulnerable mental state.

“After a few days I felt like I at least wanted to hit the gym,” she said. “That time off helped me realise that nothing makes me happier than my sport, and that I still haven’t reached my potential. At times, you need to detach yourself from the thing or the situation to understand whether you want it badly enough.”

Maana is glad she went through that detachment process, acknowledging that her mental health cried for more attention during that phase than “going to the pool and swimming up and down to get the kilometres done”.

“Everyone around says leave your baggage outside the pool. But you cannot. You cannot just change your mindset, you cannot be motivated every day to do the same thing. Sometimes it’s fine if you’re not feeling up for it, and it’s okay to acknowledge that. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to feel like, ‘aaj nahi karna hai (you don’t want to do it today)’. You need someone to understand that—your coach, your therapist, your parents.”

Maana does reach out to a sports psychologist yet for her then, that someone was her mother. “She is my punching bag,” she said. “She listened to my outbursts. And you just need someone to hear you out, for I kept repeating the same things: I don’t want to swim, I don’t feel like it,” Maana said.

Eventually, she did, after “pushing myself” to return to Bengaluru for off-season training late last year. It took some time, but she “took my training very seriously”. “I knew my calendar and that I was racing in April. When the goals became clear, I felt like I had something to look forward to,” she added. “The fire started burning again.”

Maana is “quite happy” with how the season has gone for her. “After all the ups and downs, I’ve been quite consistent with the times. I’m feeling good, and I’m confident that I’ll get a 1:02 (in 100m backstroke) next season,” she said.

For now, Maana has finished the current season. She is busy “taking care of the human inside of me”, which involves spending time with family, socialising and relishing the food she could not through the year. “I’m saving the fire for next year,” she said.