In a war of ego, the loser always wins

Spice of Life: The ego is a viable entity and indeed the most challenging thing to give up. Even today, it is the aching ego of powerful leaders that is causing unnecessary wars in the world

Life is not easy all the way through. I thought I had reached the stage of peaceful sojourn after going through the rigmarole of competitive exams, finishing my degree, concluding a pensionable service with ups and downs and finally letting the children go. But there was an unawareness of the trials still to be faced which shall, I’m sure, continue till the time to exit comes.

It is indeed a strong person with less ego who is able walk out of an argument, and not into it. (Representational photo)

These trials may seem small but they do occur off and on. Sometimes, while opening the door in the morning, my part-time help may not greet me properly and this tends to irk me. Last weekend, there was no routine call from my son, which unnecessarily overwhelmed the mind. When my proposal to pack up for a picnic on a fine day is dismissed, I tend to pull up a long face, maybe transiently. There are countless trivial episodes like this that can be disturbing.

At least, I’m becoming more mindful that my serenity is lost due to the creature called ‘ego’ in me. Certainly, it used to be bigger when I got married. During our younger days with no social media around, we were not at all aware of this hidden monster due to our caring parents and friends who helped the emotional life sail fine with only a few academic hiccups. Frequent turbulence in life seeped in after marriage when even at the slightest mention from my spouse, how I would defend, deny and debate, quite uselessly. I did realise my arrogance but it was not easy to not whine for “I”, “me” and “mine”.

My father advised me that when my husband shoots an angry remark, I should keep my calm and stand steady like a stone wall. Then all his words would just bounce back as a ball thrown against a wall that returns without any agitation. But did the younger me heed to his piece of wisdom? Not often.

Even nowadays, when my husband and I pass by a café, I can’t help getting excited and longing to drop in to enjoy a nice cup of aromatic coffee accompanied by a pleasant bakery item. But my spouse walks past undisturbed with his usual steady, manly (rational) mind. I’ve learnt to gingerly keep going on, pretending not to care. This reminds me of the established biblical parable that it was Eve not Adam who was tempted by her inner hissing sound and plunged forward to eat the proverbial forbidden fruit. Well, it’s surely my feminine energy, which makes me more restless than the reasoning mind of my husband.

The ego is a viable entity and indeed the most challenging thing to give up. Even Bhishma Pitamah (ego) in the Mahabharata couldn’t give it up in spite of being confined to a bed of arrows. Even today, it is the aching ego of powerful leaders that is causing unnecessary wars in the world. As Buddha said: In a war of ego, the loser always wins. It is indeed a strong person with less ego who is able walk out of an argument, and not into it. anshularao@gmail.com

The writer is a Chandigarh-based retired engineer of Bhakra Beas Management Board