Spice of Life: Kintsugi, broken is good, it’s where the light gets in

It is our equation with ourselves that is of paramount importance, and determines the strength and quality of our bond(s) with everyone else. Relationship with self is ultimately more crucial than the connection with anyone else

While the staff sat around the table, having a chit-chat, for the semester had ended in colleges and it was exam season (implying lighter workload), the senior-most teacher, making an association with the ongoing conversation, expressed that somewhere in the depths of one’s heart, each individual is a bit lonely. It struck a chord, I’m sure with everyone.

Kintsugi entails putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold. (HT File)

Indeed, even in counselling sessions undertaken for emotional well-being and mental health, psychologists put up a query for the client: With which person have you always had a massively impactful and significant relationship your entire life? The responses range from ‘my mother’ to ‘spouse’ to ‘a particular college friend’, etc. The correct answer, without fail, is always ‘You’. It is our equation with ourselves that is of paramount importance, and determines the strength and quality of our bond(s) with everyone else. I reiterate: Relationship with self is ultimately more crucial than the connection with anyone else.

And if we ponder over what all gets included in this affiliation with self, answers can be multifold, multilayered and even ever-expanding. However, for the sake of simplicity, it would encapsulate our past proud moments and regrets, our present routine and hopes for the future. It would mean self-concept and self-esteem. It can indicate a lot more.

Speaking for myself, I too have numerous moments, both of pride and disappointment; and I struggle day in and day out with the latter. I once read about how our brains amplify the negative for us, while reducing the intensity of positive. We are more complaining about the one hour that’s without electricity, than we are thankful for the 23 hours of uninterrupted power supply. So, my qualms do make sense. But our mind is also trainable and our attitudes cum perceptions changeable. So, I keep trying to outdo all my misgivings, which sometimes demands action, and sometimes not (and, picking from school assembly prayers, may I be bestowed with enough wisdom to know the difference)!

There’s a Japanese pot-repairing art by the name of Kintsugi, it entails putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold. The end product looks even more beautiful and refined because of the gold ridges than the original pots. So, I try embracing my frustrations, too.

Coming to the present, living in the moment is always easier said than done. A few pointers can help. For starters, talk to yourself as you would talk to a friend. Would you ever say to your friend that they are flawed or unworthy, or undeserving? Never! You would always be supportive and gentle. Giving yourself the same gift of trust and patience will hugely improve your equation with self, and keep you grounded in the moment.

Secondly, know that whatever happened in the past did have some explanation. If you erred, it had some reason. If someone betrayed you, their character got revealed to you. And, if some mis-happening occurred, it would help to not look for logic but understand that certain events are beyond our control. Grieving in such situations is absolutely okay, and so is moving on, which happens automatically once we have made peace with ourselves.

Thinking about the future, our hopes for the times to come also define us, thus setting the tone of how we treat ourselves. If I have dreams, I have higher chances of working towards them. If I anticipate ‘good’, I will be more able to accept it when it arrives. If I believe in possibilities, I will not only be able to identify all the ‘open doors’ but also create prospects. Boils down to how comfortable I am with myself. So, that one relationship that we need to work on the most, is the one with ourselves.

A person once remarked to me that they felt that they were different from everyone else. Honestly, that’s how most of us feel for ourselves. Frankly, we all are both similar yet unique. We all are a bit broken inside. But, picking from kintsugi, broken is good, because, metaphorically, it’s probably where the light will get in. reemaban@gmail.com

(The writer is a Jagadhri-based freelance contributor )