Intimacy and social media behaviour

The reality is that in the last eight years social media has invaded our lives and as a result has impacted our productivity, self-esteem, the way we view others, friendships and our most intimate relationships

During a couple’s therapy session, the husband tells me, “We have been married for 15 years now but in the last two years, it seems like screentime has taken over our relationship. We both engage in endless scrolling on our phone late into the night and barely talk. We both recognise it but haven’t been able to change much. I also don’t like the fact that two of her ex-es comment on every social media post of hers. I trust her, but it makes me feel uncomfortable. We have tried talking about this, but it hasn’t been helpful, so we decided to see you.”

Alienated Millennial Young Couple in the Bed, Young People Turn Away From Each other Using Smartphones, Browsing Through Social Networks and Not Talking to Each Other. Top Down Shot. (Getty Images/iStockphoto)

There has been a significant increase in the number of the couples whether married or dating, who reach out in therapy, primarily because of how social media and technology has impacted their relationship negatively. These concerns range from addiction to issues of trust, infidelity, disagreements around what’s posted, and finally the larger conversation of boundaries around previous partners. The reality is that in the last eight years social media has invaded our lives and as a result has impacted our productivity, self-esteem, the way we view others, friendships and our most intimate relationships. The mental health of our intimate relationships now rests on us recognizing and acknowledging the impact social media and technology is having our personal and sexual lives. If we choose not to be mindful of it, my worry as a therapist is that in one way or another, it will sneak upon us and eat into our intimate relationships.

To begin with, as a couple, choose to have rules like keeping the phone away after certain hours, limiting phone usage when in bed and avoiding social media use when there is a window for connection and intimacy. It’s a good idea to check with your partner before you post pictures from your personal moments. It’s very common for people to get on to social media immediately after a fight, my advice is don’t. Choose to self-soothe yourself in ways that are emotionally calming for you, but don’t start scrolling or posting after a fight as you may be overwhelmed and that can lead to intemperate posts.

Given, how much time people spend across various social media platforms, it has become imperative to thrash out your terms of engagement with social media with your partner. Sadly, there is no manual or a simple rulebook around this. That’s why couples need to openly share their fears, apprehensions, and set boundaries in relation to social media behaviour. Learning to articulate and let your partner know is the first step. My experience in therapy is that often the same concern whether it’s in relation to DM (direct messages), comments on social media posts are perceived differently by each of the partners. Learn to open a larger conversation around values, discuss the basis of your fears and even may be describe what feels like a boundary violation. If these concerns are ignored, it can lead to jealousy, conflict, feeling unheard, anxieties around infidelity and growing dissatisfaction. I often tell couples to use the same guardrails and boundaries in the virtual world as they do in the real world. The worry is people often choose to become less inhibited when it comes to comments and then DMs, so it might be better to pause and examine whether your engagement is bordering on flirtatious behaviour and examine if is it sending mixed messages to the other person. This can be quite a slippery slope, so couples need to examine terms of engagement in the context of transgressions and emotional infidelity.

Social media is here to stay, the sooner you have clarity on terms of engagement with it in the context of your relationships, the better it may be.