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Acting advantage

I have to hunt for circumstances that allow me to act. So I break traffic signals and I don’t follow road rules, when I’m in the mood to get into character.
Hindustan Times | By Mista D, Mumbai
UPDATED ON MAY 03, 2010 03:01 PM IST

This is probably not the best time to write my column because I’m very tired! I’ve been online for the last two hours planning to write within the next five minutes, but then reading Gul Panag and Sonam Kapoor’s older tweets was good timepass. I think I should start tweeting soon too.

Real life acting
Besides my auditions, I don’t usually get to practice my acting skills, so I have to hunt for circumstances that allow me to act. So I break traffic signals and I don’t follow road rules when I’m in the mood to get into character. This is when I hope to get caught. Pretty weird, eh! It’s a great time to bring out the acting prowess I feel. Also, it’s a very stupid and foolish thing to do, but then an actor’s gotta do what an actor’s gotta do.

This has resulted in some weird experiences and some seriously hefty fines. First of all, my scooter can’t take off in a
milli second as bikes do, so that gives me an advantage. Second, my scooter can’t go beyond the speed limit of 30 kmph, which again proves to be a bane and third, I don’t have any papers apart from a driving license.

The struggler
There was this cop who once nabbed me for taking the wrong turn. I was pretty excited as he came up to me and said: “License?” So I showed it to him. “Papers?” he said next, and I said, “No sir. I don’t have them.” After which he asked me
to leave my scooter and go.

Now comes the time for me to shine. “Sir please, I’ve been very sick for the last few days… look at my hand Sir (I had a tape from a blood test that morning). Sir I’m a small time actor, please sir. I spent all the money at the hospital also Sir,” I say.

At this time, I try as hard as I can, to master the Puss in Boots look with my eyes, from the movie Shrek.

“Hmmm… what all have you acted in?” he asks. “Nothing sir, I haven’t got any work. I miss my meals also. Sir please let me go.” By now I’m all theatrical, looking tense as if the weight of the world was on my shoulders. To some extent I almost looked like I was going to cry. He looked at me and let me go.

Work is worship
Then there was this time when my scooter had been towed away. I had a ‘choti’ (ponytail) at that time, so when the cop told me the amount of the fine, I said to him: ‘Sir please, I’m from Iskon temple (showing him my choti), I don’t have any money, how will I pay the fine’. ‘Ohh… so what do you do there?’ asks the man. ‘Sir, anything sir… from sweeping to cooking and then in the service of the God,’ I said. We then had a chat about one of the Gurus whom the cop knew and I had never heard of. Jai Guruji, I said while leaving the place.

Age no bar
I’ve been slightly busy this week, as I’ve started going for auditions again. But why am I being asked to give all ‘uncle-like’ auditions is a mystery. They want to audition me as a young husband and then as the daddy of a five year old!! I know I played a young husband the last time, but then I don’t look that old!! The girl was looking older than me the last time (in case you noticed)!! And why are all those auditions that require us to wear western formals, scheduled for summer is another mystery. Perhaps its a ploy to make us strugglers suffer even more in this heat. The tie now feels like a noose around my neck. A revolution is needed, I say.

Mista D is what in Bollywood they call the ‘struggler’

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