‘Drop her off in a plane’
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‘Drop her off in a plane’

And I’ll give you some relief…. err… that is, provided, I’m not doing a headstand at the time.

entertainment Updated: Oct 08, 2012 15:06 IST
Cyrus Broacha
Cyrus Broacha
Hindustan Times

I have been in a long distance relationship for a year now. My partner has lied to me many on several occasions. These were cheap D-grade lies, but I would still forgive him. Now he says he’s going abroad to study. He said this to my friends, but asked me not to discuss it with them. What could be the reason? Is he lying to me?
— Helpless Creature

Yes, I’ve heard about the ‘D’ grade lies. Appalling. I myself never go lower than ‘C’ grade lies, even when I’m lying to children. The ‘D’ grade is frankly inexcusable. Just to put it in perspective, ‘A’ grade lie goes thus “I didn’t do my homework because my dog ate it up”. The ‘D’ grade version would be “My dog did my homework and now I'm too complacent to attend school”. Now a lie featuring the faking of international travel is ‘E’ grade, even the most astute of politicians find this difficult to pull off. From what you’ve told me he’s more than capable of bluffing his travel plans. So make him sign an MoU with witnesses signatures elaborating all his future plans and if he refuses, it’s time you start living with less lies for the rest of you life.

I am 16 and I am in love with a girl from my school. She is in a steady relationship with a guy for a year now. I drop her home every day. I talk to her as if I have no issues with their relationship. But deep inside my heart I really want her to be mine. What do I do now?
— Confusingly Confused

Confused, firstly you don’t drop her home; you walk her home. Dropping implies use of a vehicle like a bike, car, boat or a plane. Walking her home is one level below dropping her off in any or all the above modes of transport. You’ve accidentally stumbled on the right process known as the cut in process. Named after celebrated aerophysicist and 18-time divorcee, Andrei Cutin. First play the part of a friend. Hold back your cards. In time you will be able to measure her present relationship and make your move at the right time. But a word of caution: walking can only achieve so much; you need a vehicle. Look at what the Rath has done for the B.J.P. You want to make an impression start dropping her off in a vehicle I’m told a plane ensures you an 85 per cent success rate.

Last year, while on a trip to Manali with my girlfriend, I met a girl who was the receptionist at the hotel we were staying in. We somehow managed to exchange numbers and have stayed in touch ever since. I have grown tired of my present five-year old relationship and want to end it. I want to start dating this girl from Manali. But I am scared of the long distance between us, which I feel may be difficult to sustain. Please advise me on what to do.
— S Dinkar

Not just Manali. I’ve seen some pretty good receptionists in Kulu as well. Of course, two of them were men and, sadly, we still keep in touch. Now, coming back to you Mr S firstly, please end your current relationship. You’re dragging it on and that’s not fair to your girlfriend. She should also be allowed to find her own true love, maybe a receptionist in Shimla or Mussouri. Secondly, long-distance relationship has more obstacles obviously, but the good news is because you meet so infrequently the wear and tear is less. Think of it like a cricket ball that is used for just five overs in a match. It actually lasts longer. So give it a go. I just hope she's not with hotel Redwood because that receptionist is already in talks with me.

First Published: Oct 08, 2012 13:16 IST