Getting the words out: The importance of saying ‘I love you’

It can feel silly, scary, intimidating, but for these very reasons, it matters. In moments of such vulnerability, deeper bonds are formed, says Simran Mangharam

Expressing our love verbally, as a matter of habit, is understandably difficult for many of us.

A painting of Laila and Majnu. (Shutterstock)

For some, it feels unnecessary to keep saying “I love you”. Others believe it is enough to express their affection in actions (hugs, gifts thoughtful deeds). I have had clients say it feels forced, and therefore fake, “and doesn’t that defeat the purpose and even rob the words of their meaning?”

My short answer is, “No”. My longer answer is that hearing it reinforces something much deeper than the seemingly frivolous three words would suggest.

For one thing, the act of saying ”I love you” is a moment of true vulnerability. That is really the mild queasiness many of us feel, at first. (I promise, it soon goes away.)

The queasiness comes from mild fear: What if the other person thinks this is silly? What if it makes things awkward? What if they don’t know how to respond, or simply don’t want to say it back?

For all these reasons, it is important to try. In my experience, this single expression works to enhance intimacy, deepen trust and create a sense of tangible emotional connection, even between friends.

As a believer in love, vulnerability and effective communication, I decided years ago to use the word “love” more often. I say “I love you” regularly, to my daughter, husband, mother, nephew, and that great treasure, my circle of close friends.

I use it in text messages, when I mean it. And in email.

Each time, it comes from the heart and is genuine.

The responses I get range from silence to “I know”, “Ditto” and “I love you too”.

When I first began to practise this habit, the silences did make me wonder how the other person was receiving my message. I decided I would voice what I felt regardless.

What happened next still intrigues and delights me. I noticed that the silent ones started to reach out to me more often than they had before. Over time, half of them began responding with “Love you too”. The other half are still silent, but I can say with confidence that our connection is deeper.

Two of these individuals are my husband and my mother. My husband started with silence, moved on to “I know” and then to “I love you too”. My mother started saying “I love you” in December.

There is so much talk today about attention spans, crowded mindspace, our obsessions with our phones. The truth is, these distractions are here now, and they aren’t going anywhere. This makes it even more important to express our love verbally, because in our distracted, busy days, our actions will often fail to reflect how we feel.

Knowing someone loves you, after all, can be a bit of an abstract thing. Hearing it said is confirmation that this person is indeed within reach, emotionally.

As someone who now hears the words more often than she did before, I can confirm that they make me feel loved, offer me a sense of security, boost my self-esteem. They help me through tough times. The list of people I say “I love you” to has become a precious reminder of the people I know will have my back.

This matters. Not just because life can be hard and unpredictable. But because, even in the best times, the confidence that comes from being loved is one of the key pillars of a fulfilled life.

So, don’t hold back. Say “I love you” to someone you haven’t said it to before. It’s freeing, fortifying… and you’d be surprised how quietly it can change things.

(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on simran@floh.in)