Heart-tugging: Simran Mangharam on the pushes and pulls of early love

What happens when one partner needs space and the other doesn’t? This is when early tussles tend to occur. Don’t say: Red flag! Do say: Can we talk about this?

New love can feel all-consuming. When one isn’t physically in one’s partner’s presence, one is often thinking of them. There is an urge to spend every possible moment together. And this is completely natural.

Oh, must you meet those annoying friends: Frederic William Burton’s Meeting on the Turret Stairs (1864). (National Gallery of Ireland)

It is, in fact, an exhilarating phase of a relationship, one that serves to make both partners feel cherished and reinforces their bond. The emotional ties forged at this time can help ground the couple, forming the early blocks in a strong foundation.

It is transitioning from this stage to the next one that can often be the first test of that bond. Typically, a few months in, life outside the relationship re-emerges, as it should. Work, family, personal interests and hobbies reinstate their claims on one’s time.

In an ideal scenario, both partners adapt to the end of the first stage with grace (and perhaps a little light bickering). But often, one person may struggle, more than the other, with feelings of rejection and insecurity.

I have had clients who considered ending the relationship at this stage, “suffocated” by the demands of their partner and alarmed by what they viewed as red flags.

My advice here has always been two-fold: Do not ignore the problem or assume it will resolve itself; but do not end a relationship over neediness without attempting to address it first.

Unaddressed, the bond will begin to feel unsustainable and even unhealthy. The neediness can quickly transition from the attachment of early love to extreme co-dependence. It can begin to hamper one’s ability to live one’s life.

Addressed effectively, though, these can go from red flags to simply an early hurdle to deal with and, in that sense, good practice for the many more to come.

For those thinking, “But should it be this hard!”, I offer a reminder that nothing about making a relationship work is easy or effortless. So here goes.

Start by raising your concerns, compassionately but clearly. This allows the person to recognise their behaviour as unsustainable, and take the vital step of agreeing to correct it. Next, set shared boundaries together. I know several couples who have benefited from a rule of no calls at work (unless they are vital) and no calls when the other person is out with friends.

Subsequent conversations may be necessary, as you navigate new territory together. These conversations can have the added benefit of setting the tone for the relationship, as one in which difficulties will be addressed rather than allowed to fester, and honest and empathetic communication will be an oft-used tool.

The final upside, of course, is the biggest one. With patience, kindness and some effort, neediness can turn to secure affection, in someone who thinks the world of you. And isn’t that the ideal.

(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on simran@floh.in)