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How much love can you handle?
This Valentine’s Day, let’s change the narrative. Switch from finding love to celebrating exactly the kind of love meant for you
Fairytales, love songs, movies and books will have us believe that finding The One is life’s very purpose. That one has to either play the White Knight or wait for one to arrive. That this is the path to Happily Ever After.
Or, that somewhere on this planet of 8 billion (plus the seven souls on the International Space Station) is one’s soulmate. That there’s one for everyone, just the one, like a Subway sandwich with everything. And that you’ll find each other only if it’s Meant To Be.
Aren’t you bored already? All-or-nothing scenarios sound like the worst lottery, ever.
We’re flipping the script this Valentine’s season. It’s not about the finding of love, but celebrating the kind of love that’s just right for you. Is your love the mushy type? Or are you turned off by hearts, Cupid and grand gestures? Are you suspicious of all-consuming love? Or are you excited by the romance of everyday life?
There’s no single way of experiencing love, even when you’re single. Think of those guys on How I Met Your Mother. There was Ted Mosby, the undefeated romantic. But there were also Marshal and Lilly, the balanced couple who worked hard on staying in love every day, without the fireworks. Even Barney, underneath all that skirt-chasing, knew that love could be a spark as much as it could be a full-blown flame.
How do you fit in to the new sizing? Let Namit Das, Rytasha Rathore and Nikhil Taneja How do you fit in to the new sizing? Let Namit Das, Rytasha Rathore and Nikhil Taneja show you how to make space for just the kind of love you need.
A little bit of love with Rytasha Rathore
“For a long time, I, too, felt that someone was going to ‘complete me’,” says the 30-year-old actor and content creator. “That doesn’t always work.”
Even hoping to find the perfect-in-every-way spouse puts too much pressure on anyone who loves you. “With our generation, I don’t know how much equality, love and respect there is in relationships,” she says.
Love for her then, is not an arrow, but a circle, encompassing strong friendships and a wider net of people, instead of just the spouse-and-two-kids. How do you build that? You show up for those you care about: the date, the best friends, the colleague in need, the relative you never thought you’d bond with.
Prepare for some unlearning. Many believe that the longer you stay single, the more impossible it becomes to adjust to a partner because you’re used to your own life. “What’s so wrong with that?” she asks. “It’s possible to be content with yourself. And work towards being a better version of yourself every day. I’ve had this journey. I’ve shifted from wanting to marry a rich man to being that rich man. Financial independence is half the battle won.”
The inspiration: Modern Family, which depicts hilarious, heartwarming circles of love.
The love-bombing tip: “Take candid photos of someone when they are looking nice!”
The big plan this year: “I’ll be working. I love working.”
Even love needs space with Nikhil Taneja
Being in love is swell. “But it’s impossible to be in love all the time,” says the 36-year-old co-founder and CEO of Yuvaa. He would know. He’s been with his wife, Daisy, for 16 years, dating her for eight years before tying the knot eight years ago.
“Love is recognising that you can’t always be in love, and being friends with your partner whenever that happens,” Taneja says. “Sometimes there are days, weeks, even months when you may be going through something, and love may drift away. But, if your relationship is based on trust, care and friendship, you give yourselves and each other the space until you have that full cup of love again.”
Taneja says it was his wife that introduced him to the idea of Me Time, private spaces in a lifetime of togetherness. “It’s incredibly important to find ‘we time’ and ‘me time’ for both partners, not just during a weekend, but every day. That way, we are both spending quality time with each other as well as with ourselves,” he says.
It allows people to remain individuals even as they’re part of a couple. “You recognise that the person you love is a fully realised human being who has had their own story before you became a part of theirs, just as you did, before they became a part of yours,” It’s what gives a relationship a future. “What long-term relationships offer is the comfort to be silent with each other,” he says. “Understanding and respecting each other’s silences is so beautiful.”
The inspiration: This is Us, a tearjerker of a series about a happy family that isn’t always in love all the time. And Lovesick, a British sitcom that examines love in the age of hook-ups.
The love bombing tip: “Listen to when they happen to wish they had/could buy, and gift it to them when they least expect it! Love bombing is great for milestone moments, but on a daily basis, it’s a bit weird and suspicious.”
The big plan this year: “We got married on Valentine’s Day, so we are celebrating our wedding anniversary with some travel to the mountains, as a throwback to the mountains we got married in, Shimla.”
A whole lotta lovin’ with Namit Das
“I’m a simp,” admits 38-year-old actor Namit Das. “I’m vulnerable in love. And, why shouldn’t I be? We only have one life. Wear your heart on your sleeve. And when you feel something, say it. Even if it ends in heartbreak. There are no half-measures in love.”
Das will celebrate his eighth wedding anniversary, and 14 years of being with his wife, Shruti, on February 15. Going all-out with one’s feelings draws plenty of cynicism. “People view you with mild disdain. They try to change the idea by saying, ‘You can’t fall in love, you need to rise in love’,” he says.
But love doesn’t exist in the declaration of the emotion. “Love is when I push myself and do things for someone, even when I’m adjusting to them. The world is turning individualistic. People today believe in too many things too strongly. It’s great to soften to accommodate the other person.”
Love does conquer all, as long as we do it right. “Because what is all-consuming love but care? We all think we know what we want but we forget what we bring to the table ourselves. And, remember, love is a verb.”
The inspiration: Raag Bageshri performed by anyone. And Kemal Basmaci, the protagonist in Orhan Pamuk’s The Museum of Innocence. “He’s so much in love, and intensely so.”
The love bombing tip: “Profess your love online. Public displays of affection take courage. Your audience will also feel happy after reading it.”
The big plan this year: The couple plans to take in the larger-than-life projected paintings at the Van Gogh 360 show in Mumbai.
