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HT Brunch Cover Story: A fairer shade of feminism
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In an exclusive story written for HT Brunch, Tahira Kashyap Khurrana questions patriarchy, and presents a fairer way to live: For yourself first!
‘Ja, Simran, ja, jee le apne zindagi,’ is a dialogue you could have expected your parents to say when you were a teenager. But how would you feel about hearing it from your husband? I can accept the need for ‘permission’ from teachers, parents (well, okay, once upon a time), bosses (perhaps), airport authorities... you know what I’m saying. But from our partners in life? The idea astonishes, and annoys, me on multiple levels.
But this is reality for many women. My friends and I love our girls’ nights out, but one of them has to hide her girl dates from her disapproving in-laws. We have tried explaining to her that she is 36, and totally capable of making decisions for herself. But in a patriarchal set-up, permissions are necessary at every turn of life.
She was told to have two kids. She was also instructed about the ideal age difference between the two. Thankfully, she was spared the details of which position would be the best for her honhaar son to hit the target. In-laws in India can shock doctors with their determination! So my friend has exactly two kids with precisely two years between them, just as the in-laws wanted. Needless to say, the second one is a boy.
All this in a progressive, well-educated family. Education truly didn’t have an impact on them, and neither did their green cards or multiple visits to Europe and the rest of the world.
One night this friend of mine joined the rest of us, cooing, ‘My husband helped me by lying to his parents!’ She gushed over her husband’s supportive nature. But what was this support? I understand crotch-supportive gear for men during their gym routines. I understand underwire bras as support for breasts. But how is men giving permission to women supportive?
Kaun ho bhaiya, aap permission-dene waale? Your partner isn’t your guardian. He is a partner, an equal. Let’s read that word again. Part-ner. Just part of your life, not your entire life. There is more to women than we can imagine.
Smash those preconceived notions
This realisation didn’t come automatically to me. Blame it on ignorance or conditioning. I once cribbed to a friend about my partner not having enough time for me or the kids. He was shooting back-to-back, I said. We hadn’t gone on a holiday in ages.
‘What’s stopping you from taking a trip?’ she asked.
I said, ‘You aren’t listening. He is shooting.’
She said, ‘My question remains the same. Who is stopping you from going on your own?’
Her words hit me like a thunderbolt. Exactly who or what was stopping me? My preconceived notion of waiting for the man to initiate the trip, or of adjusting my life around him? That’s when I took my first trip to London alone with the kids. It was a most liberating experience.
We are so conditioned by seeing our older relatives live a certain way that we forget we have a choice. This might look like a First World problem. But its roots are entrenched deep within our faith, religion, customs, status and class.
We women have the power to determine our own lives and have multiple sources of happiness, and this doesn’t need to be the byproduct of marital discord. The world and the universe are just as much mine as it is anyone else’s. It’s okay if we aren’t born with this knowledge. But if we know what the trending Reels on Instagram are, let’s also make the effort to be aware of our own power of choice.
In the film Kabhie Khushi Kabhie Gham, Jayaji said to the towering Amitabh Bachchan, ‘Keh diya toh bas keh diya’. This line was written years ago. We shouldn’t wait for that long to say keh diya.
From ‘just’ to’ why not?’
I am not asking us to fight, but just to stand up for our dreams, aspirations, choices and dignity. We might fail in a few choices we make for ourselves, but it’s our lives! I am not asking men to be supportive. That power was never with them. The minimum they can do is be aware, understand, be compassionate, and educate themselves to break away from patriarchy; to be in sync with the times we live in.
My epic Chotu maasi has inspired many in my household. While her husband was in the Army, she took charge of her two sons, settled in Pune, and built an electroplating business on her own, from scratch. Soon she had two factories, and her husband took early retirement and joined her. She didn’t support him. I like to believe she empowered him.
When the empowerment of women doesn’t cause insecurity in men, it often leads to success and happiness. But sadly, in a society where women need permission from their husbands to colour their hair or to work outside the home, this is a distant reality.
When a home address and nameplate do not reflect the existence of its womenfolk, when restaurant tables, cabs or movie tickets are always booked under the husband’s name, it is not always because of pressure from the partner. It is because of us. It is because... just. The word ‘just,’ accompanied by a shrug, is what we say when we are questioned why we stick to patriarchal practices. But this seemingly harmless ‘just’ must become ‘why not?’
When we talk of ‘support’ as our biggest victory, we have done nothing to change the system. As grown-up women, we don’t need support, permission, curfew limits. We want everything that was and is rightfully ours, just like it is for the other gender. To have a partner who treats you as an equal is not applause-worthy, it’s just basic. Let’s treat it as basic and not something special.
You go, girl!
I know of women who hide their success stories, especially those looking for partners. ‘You don’t want to intimidate them,’ said a friend about to hitch up with someone on Bumble. And that reminded me of when I successfully ran a public relations and event management agency right after university, earning perhaps twice as much as my fiancé, who worked at that time in radio.
A well-meaning relative told me to either stop working, or not reveal how much I was earning, either to my fiancé or the world. Of course, he always knew, but I was honestly quite an idiot at that age, and took her advice very seriously. While I never lied about my earnings, I started praying that my boy should always earn more than me, to avoid ego clashes! Why did I have to do that when our egos never clashed even when I was earning more?
What a freak I was, kyonki bhagwaan ne sach mein sun li! But on a serious note, what I am getting at is how fragile the egos of men can be perceived to be in this patriarchal society, and how low the self-worth of women.
As adult women in the 21st century, there are some questions we must seek answers for ourselves. And so when it comes to permission, let us and only us say these words for ourselves (which have more than a filmi connotation to them): ‘Hum aatein apni marzi se hain aur jaatein bhi apni marzi se.’
From HT Brunch, December 5, 2021
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