Invisible Women by Ahilya Mehta: The marriage knot

Arranged marriage changed because of liberal thinking. Perhaps that progressiveness is changing again because of a more illiberal youth

Every new year brings fresh energy and an opportunity for introspection. I am writing this in Tadoba, a tiger reserve in Maharashtra. The drip of the morning dew, chirping of birds at first light, and bustling of leaves makes the jungle feel alive in spite of the silence. This tranquil ambience also makes reflection an easy task. In this serenity, I cannot help but recall 2022 with a smile. Nothing is perfect, but I am grateful for a lot that the last year threw my way. What surprised me most, however, is that many of the happiest moments in my personal life involved my loved ones getting engaged or married.

Arranged marriages are also seen in popular culture, like the show Indian Matchmaking hosted by Sima Taparia (above)

Women and age

I love the idea of love and appreciate wanting to build a life with someone. The commitment to love and the security of companionship are indispensable qualities synonymous to marriage. Furthermore, after witnessing so many friends happily settled with partners their parents recommended, my inhibitions regarding arranged marriages have assuaged as well.

Arranged marriage is an age-old tradition in India, though the nature and process of it has changed drastically over the years. Our society is finally bridging tradition with modernity in its current portrayal of arranged marriage. Individuals rarely meet only the night they are to be married. Dating is normal; so is deciding you don’t want children. Women have a choice about their prospective partner. Most importantly, many people choose arranged marriage.

We’ve probably all seen Indian Matchmaking or, at least, heard of Sima Taparia. Arranged marriages seem to be trending. But for some people, it may be a source of contention. Some people’s Westernised perceptions of marriage may be harder for Indian society to acclimate to. Furthermore, even individuals who choose arranged marriage may be under pressure from their families to finalise a match.

I noticed several nuances of arranged marriage at friends’ weddings. Many women spoke about it as if it were a project they were completing upon a deadline. That is not to say they love their partners any less; simply that they would not accept a partner who is not on their timeline. To quote a friend, “If I’m seriously dating someone, I expect a ring in six months.” I was shocked. Another friend said she thinks she will get married after her second date with a man selected by her parents. These women are beautiful, intelligent, and successful. I cannot fathom why they feel pressure to marry so young.

The question of career

Unsurprisingly, my notion of age and marriage may be misguided. In India, people marry relatively young. A Sample Registration System survey by the Census of India revealed that the age at which women marry has increased. The latest decennial survey published in 2017 reports that the average national age for women who married was 22.1 years in India. The women I quoted above are closer to 30 than to 20. Nevertheless, it is unfortunate that age influences a woman’s value in the arranged marriage market.

A separate study conducted by the Centre for the Study of Developing Societies revealed that 60 per cent of married women between 18 and 34 years do not work. On average, 41 per cent of all male and female participants thought women should not work after marriage.

Age may influence a woman’s marriage prospects. Nevertheless, the statistical improvement is a positive indicator of our society’s treatment of women with regard to marriage. Hopefully it means women are being given more opportunities in education and careers. Unfortunately, the second study suggests this freedom is being passed onto a rather conservative youth.

A backwards step

Society is an amalgamation of nature versus nurture. It is growing and changing with us. Consequently, our ideas and beliefs will be reflected in societal norms. Arranged marriage changed because liberal thinking became the dominant school of thought. Perhaps that progressive mindset is changing with the onset of a more illiberal youth. I cannot say what is driving this conservatism. However, I foresee that if these beliefs are not kept in check—at least with regard to gender equality and equity—women will lose out on many opportunities for growth.

Ahilya Mehta, 27, is an entrepreneur-in-residence at Nua, former co-founder of Aara Health, and has been in women’s wellness for three years.

From HT Brunch, January 14, 2023

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