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Peace out: How to set boundaries with Indian parents, minus the drama
In your 20s, you’ll want privacy and independence. Your family will see it as a personal attack. Set these three key boundaries anyway. Here’s how
Want to get the average Indian Mummy-Papa’s heads to whip around three times, soap-opera style: Kya? Kya? Kyaaa? Try getting their average 20-something kid to announce that they want to move out of the family home but live in the same city. Or set any sort of adult-to-adult boundary.
“Many Indian parents act out of emotion, not reason,” says psychotherapist Shreya Aras. And yet, for newly minted adults reframing the family dynamic, it’s rarely a fair fight. We’ve picked three thorny 20-something milestones, and how to overcome them. Kya? Kya? Kyaaa? Read on…
The moving-out chat. Grishma Dewani, 28, a food stylist in Mumbai, moved out of her parental home three months ago. She told her mother, the more understanding parent, about it first. Her older brother worried about who would do Grishma’s share of domestic chores and help out with the family’s shop. Plus, Dewani has two cats and a dog. So, when the family finally began discussing it and heated arguments broke out, she was prepared. She assured the family that she would visit often, take the animals to the vet and manage the shop’s finances.
Her trump card: A cousin who grew up close by had already moved out. The exodus wasn’t unprecedented. “The men in the family were strictly opposed to it,” she recalls. “But the women rallied for us to live on our own terms, have our space, privacy and freedom, and that helped immensely.”
Most parental concerns (yes, even for adult children) stem from a worry over whether they can take care of themselves, Dewani says. Keep at it, says counselling psychologist Vishalakshi Salian. The first conversation will likely go nowhere. Keep bringing it up, demand a proper sit down if you are being dismissed. “Indian parents believe you will forget them if you move out. Assure them you won’t.”
Asking for privacy. If you’ve reached your 20s without your parents enquiring about your salary, your password and your close friends, are you even Indian? Aras recommends starting small, like asking them to knock before entering your room. “Be prepared for push back, sarcasm and anger,” she warns. Both parties are being tested here. Standing your ground is essential.
And prepare to be guilt-tripped. “Not carrying the emotional burden of hurting a parent is part of boundary setting too,” says counsellor Riddhi Patel. Acknowledge that developing your sense of self might hurt them, but it’s part of becoming who you are. “Tell them why it’s important for one adult to respect another adult’s privacy, and vice versa,” she says.
Build on the wins. Once your phone and gadgets are off-limits, so is the information about where you were last night, says Aras. “But freedom comes with responsibility. Hear out your parents’ concerns. It’s possible that they’re seeing self-destructive patterns that you aren’t.”
Discontinuing a family tradition. By 23, Nikki Shah, a Delhi-based social media marketer, had had enough of her grandmother telling her not to enter the kitchen while menstruating. It was also infuriating for her and her two younger sisters to see the men in the family eat first and the women after. She started with data, citing examples from other households in their community that had stopped the backward practice. “It’s one way to start a difficult conversation without making someone feel like they are being attacked,” says Aras.
Give it time, pick your battles. And be calm, respectful and empathetic. Getting an older adult to change for a younger adult takes time, says counselling psychologist Zankhana Joshi. Much of it depends on their personality – those that can’t cede power aren’t likely to be flexible. “Make it clear that you will involve them in your life and consult them on big decisions,” says Joshi. Once your parents see that you’re doing fine on your own, they tend to back off.
