Fight the ‘fix’ation: Your partner is not your pet project

Well-intended love can only go so far. It’s not a woman’s job to fix a man. Heed the signs to know when to stay and when to leave

Shahid Kapoor strikes again. In an interview to an online film magazine in June, the actor, who has been married to Mira Kapoor for eight years (they share two children), decided to offer this hot take on marriage. “This entire marriage thing is about one thing: that the guy was a mess and the woman came in to fix him,” he said. “So the rest of his life is going to be a journey of him getting fixed and becoming a decent person. That’s pretty much what life is about.”

In The Simpsons (1989-) Homer often sincerely wants to do what’s best for Marge, but fails in execution. She leaves him after one couples therapy session. There’s even a short divorce. Strangely, she continues to stay with him.

Kapoor rightly got trolled for his remarks. Online commenters pointed out how selfish he was for believing that his improvement should be his wife’s lifelong project. They asked what he was doing for his wife in exchange. They wondered why he wasn’t working on himself, by himself. Amid the backlash, one thing was clear. A strong, successful woman should be able to fix any number of things – a broken nail, a change of plans, a work crisis. And yet, far too many women spend their mental and emotional energies trying to fix a man.

He cheats? Stick around and try harder to be more interesting. He’s emotionally selfish and needy? Pour more love and sacrifice into the void. He’s uninterested in collaborating? Get ever more flexible and accommodating to make up for it. He’s spiralling and self sabotaging? Don’t give up on him now, when he’s at his weakest!

If your partner disrespects you, belittles your feelings or undermines your trust, and attempts to address these issues lead to minimal change or repeated betrayal, it might be time to consider leaving, like Aishwarya Rai Bachchan left Ranbir Kapoor in Ae Dil Hai Mushkil (2016).

And so it goes. Grown men continue to stagnate emotionally. Adult women believe their partners are their projects, that love is a magic potion, that all men are pliable lumps of cologne-fragranced clay. It damages both people in the relationship. No wonder everyone’s so tired.

“The fix-it syndrome comes from societal expectations, traditional gender roles, and a deficiency of emotional intelligence,” says Gurgaon-based Dr Chandni Tugnait, MD, psychotherapist, life coach and founder of Gateway of Healing.

Fact is, fixing another person is not one’s job. But no one wants to be in a problematic relationship either. Who wouldn’t want to improve their dynamic with someone they love, address a problem, give it their all, fight the odds? “We are taught that love is unconditional, passion is absolute, and that finding The One should clear us of all doubt,” says Dr Rahul Chandok, head consultant of Mental Health and Behavioural Science at Artemis Hospital, Gurugram. There’s also the idea that the sense of commitment needed for a perfect relationship, can only be attained if we lose ourselves for our partner completely. “In reality, no relationship in perfect. Each individual should learn to address their own issues.”