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That Feeling When by Nikhil Taneja: An open letter to the DM that wants me dead
DMs can be a minefield of tough-to-read insults and lies that can feel overwhelming, but you shouldn’t forget that there are actual, real people on either side of them
‘Shut up b**ch. Hope you die soon.’
Each time a raging not-so-well wisher has slid into my DMs expressing their desire for my early demise, I am left a bit stumped. It’s not anger or anxiety that comes up for me at these moments, but a lingering question: Why do people so easily wish the worst upon those they (probably) don’t know on the internet?
I have ruminated on this from every angle, but for once, instead of looking for answers, I’m going to ask the question directly to the DM that wants me dead.
Dear Person on the Internet
You’ve often been identified as a troll, a savage, a bully, a coward, or mostly, an assh*le. But I choose to call you a ‘person’ because that’s all I know about who you are. Because that’s all I wish you would see me as, too. Finding you to be anything more than that is to form a preconceived notion, an assumption, a judgement. just like the one you made about me.
On reading one piece of my writing, in one spectacular, singular swoop, you decided that you wished I were dead. You believed that that one opinion of mine is the whole of me. But then, are you the message you sent me, too? A brutal, cruel, hate-filled DM that reduced me to the few words you read… is that the whole of you, or are you more than the anger and outrage you felt upon reading something you disagreed with?
I know nothing about how hard your life has been, what pain it is that you live with, or how you’ve been treated by others who know nothing about you more than what is visible to them on the surface. But I do know that what the world sees on the outside is a fraction of the battles we are all fighting within—and it would be just as cruel for me to decide what your story is based on the one thing I see about you, as it is for you to have decided that you know mine, based on the one piece of my writing you’ve seen.
I know that if we were to bump into each other IRL, and you overheard me saying a few words that you don’t agree with, you probably wouldn’t whisper in my ears your inclination to want me dead, and you possibly may not want it too, because when you see me as a human being of flesh and blood and sweat, you may recognise that I’m not so different from you.
And if you were ever to talk to me, to tell me what it is you feel instead of what it is you think, to tell me your story instead of assuming mine, and to offer me the same courtesy and respect of listening, I am sure you will realise that I’m the same as you. Just a person with a story you don’t know.
So, even if you want me dead, I don’t hope the same for you. I hope, instead, for you to be more alive, more human, more compassionate, more empathetic and more kind, so you can find in others the ‘you’ in them, just as I hope others can find some of themselves in you. Because, if we keep reducing each other to labels of hate that separate us, we will never become the stories of love that bring us together, and make us feel a little less alone.
Love,
Nikhil.
Nikhil Taneja is a writer, producer, storyteller, public speaker, feeler of feelings, men’s mental health advocate and co-founder of Yuvaa
That Feeling When is a fortnightly column that offers a relatable take on mental health and emotional well-being.
From HT Brunch, June 18, 2022
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