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Yes, I don’t: Why parents today aren’t pressuring their kids to get hitched
Parents of single 30-somethings are accepting that marriage isn’t their child’s end goal. Here’s how they‘re making peace with their children’s choices
If only time machines existed! We’d zip back 30 years to watch our parents exchange demure glances from across the table as elders swiftly arranged their match. Or, we’d rewind to that heady moment when Mummy and Papa actually fell in love, defying convention and matchmaking aunties. But mostly, we’d notice how young they were, making vows and having children even before they turned 30.
Today’s 30-somethings are built different. A 2022 report by India’s Ministry of Statistics and Programme Implementation shows that between 2005 and 2006, more than 72.4% of women were married by age 20. By 2019-2021, that number had dropped to 52%. The National Statistics Office’s Youth in India Report 2022 shows that 23% of young people are not interested in marriage. Additionally, the share of never-married males in the 15-29 age group has risen from 20.8% in 2011, to 26.1% in 2019.
What the reports don’t show, is how many parents are backing their kids’ decision to delay or skip being hitched altogether. Mummy and Papa now encourage kids to delay a wedding and see singlehood as a badge of pride too. It’s not an easy shift – for both parents and their grown kids. There are new expectations and new boundaries to navigate. Take a look.
YOLO ergo solo
Jaipur-based writer Jitu Mehta is 45 and decided, as early as age 30, that he wanted to stay unmarried for the rest of his life. It caused his homemaker mother, Veena Mehta, some anguish in the early years. He was, after all, her only son.
Mehta knew that fobbing her off would not work. They started having long chats about it. “He made me see the uncertainties of marriage and his indifference to the idea of a legal contract,” Veena Mehta says. It took five years before she accepted that her son’s happiness trumped a social contract.
The mother and son recall how one relative accused Jitu of ignoring his elderly mother’s desire to “bring in a daughter-in-law to help with cooking and cleaning”. Other members of the extended family made snarky comments about the mother “allowing” her son to stay single. There have been no counter-retorts from the Mehtas. “It’s enough for me that my son is happy. As for household chores, I don’t need a daughter-in-law for that.”
The unexpected bonus: The single son offers much needed company and care for his ageing mother. “My son’s choices bring us peace and joy—a life free from unnecessary pressures.”
Lone star state
Rimpa Sarkar, founder of Sentier Wellness, says that some people are more likely than others to stay single until well past 30. “In joint families, elders often pressure parents to encourage their children into marriage,” she says. But India’s family structures are changing. More nuclear units live away from the extended family. “These parents tend to prioritise their children’s education and personal growth.”
It means that, as kids grow up and focus on career growth and financial stability, parents are dialling down on the pressure to wed. Many are even sympathetic to their children’s fear of divorce, generational trauma, and bad experiences with romantic relationships. “My son’s concerns about these things are valid. Marriage is a big responsibility, and I support him in taking his time to make the right choice,” says Veena Mehta.
Altar your plans
Bhakti Verma, a 35-year-old communications professional from Delhi, has put off plans for marriage after seeing one too many women stuck in bad marriages because they were not financially independent. “I didn’t want to be that person,” she says. She recalls having a candid conversation with her parents a few years ago, in which she got them to understand that she preferred to stay single rather than end up in an abusive to toxic relationship.
Her mother, Suman Verma, understood right away; she’d married her husband at age 27. “I wanted Bhakti to be ready to make an informed decision about her future,” says Suman Verma. The women are close. Suman Verma has actively clapped back against nosy relatives. “I simply tell them that Bhakti will marry when the time feels right for her,” But making peace with the idea that there might not be grandchildren in her future is a private, harder challenge. Meanwhile, there are small wins: Mother and daughter enjoy spontaneous movie nights and dinner dates until Bhakti decides to find a partner.
Parent traps
Priyanka Verma, clinical psychologist and Founder of The Thought Co, an organisation for mental health awareness, finds that women, especially, are keen to be financially independent before they marry, and that rarely happens before they turn 30. “Often, they’re also women who’ve witnessed their own mothers’ lack of financial control and its impact on married life.” The new wave of parental support stems from the lessons mothers have gathered from their own lives, she says.
For men, the going is different. Men in India choose to delay marriage in favour of enjoying freedom, and independence, and focusing on their education and careers.
In Mumbai, Arjun George, 62, actively supports his son’s (who chose to stay anonymous) decision to stay single at 31, after a string of break-ups, rejections and trauma from unrequited love. Like most parents, Arjun is optimistic that his son might one day change his mind. But until then, there’s no pressure, no reminders. George has stopped relatives from playing matchmaker.
It’s not the life he dreamed of when his son was born, but then, no one’s life ever works out the way they dream it. “Many men are single and are leading life on their terms and are happy,” he points out. “Marriage does not determine happiness.”
From HT Brunch, January 18, 2025
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