Therapist explains why the popular saying ‘you can’t love others until you love yourself’ does not make sense

It is not a prerequisite to love oneself before loving others just because social media tells us to. Sometimes loving others is the way to love oneself.

Love, relationships and personality development have long been popular subjects on social media and in human discussions in general. There have been numerous quotes that have gone viral on the internet, and now find themselves used in serious conversations or printed on tacky merchandise.

Connection is where healing happens, reminds Jeff Guenther. (Pexel)

One such immensely popular quote reads, “You can't love others until you love yourself.” The popularity of this line has transcended social media, as the quote finds itself well embedded in pop culture and real lives. However, according to Jeff Guenther, a licensed professional counsellor based in Portland, what the line literally means is absolute hogwash.

Taking to Instagram on March 30, Jeff stated that the statement, “You can't love others until you love yourself”, is “total f-ing bs” and there are abundant examples all around us that prove it.

“People with crippling self-esteem love their kids with everything they have. People in the middle of a depressive episode show up for their friends. People who genuinely hate themselves stay loyal, stay present, stay—the love is real. It's there. You can see it,” he noted.

What does the phrase actually mean

Jeff explained that there is one likely interpretation of the quote that is not completely wrong, but which the words fail to make obvious.

In his words, “What the phrase is trying to say and failing to is that unresolved stuff creates patterns. Anxious attachment, self-abandonment, picking people who are words that confirm your worst beliefs about yourself. That's real.”

However, all these cannot be termed as “can’t love.” These are conditions that the nervous system has learned from childhood or from past relationships that “create friction.” The problem is completely different from the one implied in the quote, and also totally fixable, shared the therapist.

How the quote has been misused

According to Jeff, the quote is often used to tell people who already feel terrible about themselves that they have not “earned connection” yet and that “there is a prerequisite.”

“So, they stay alone and call it working on themselves, which sometimes that's just staying alone. But here's the thing. Some people only find their way to self-worth through loving someone,” explained the therapist. “You show up, you're consistent, you didn't bail when it got hard, and that becomes evidence that you're capable, that you're not what you thought you were. That's not a lesser version of healing. For a lot of people, that's just the actual path.”

It is important to keep in mind that human beings are wired for connection. As Jeff noted, that is where the healing often happens, and not during the awkward waiting phase before it.

So if a person is keeping people at a distance because they feel they are not “fixed enough” yet, that is not self-awareness. That is simply loneliness with a nonsensical diagnosis from social media.

Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional advice. It is based on user-generated content from social media. HT.com has not independently verified the claims and does not endorse them.