Is seeing the good in people a trauma response? Therapist explains how childhood trauma can shape adult relationships

Growing up in toxic households can inevitably shape how a person behaves and responds to adult relationships. Jeff explains one way childhood trauma manifests.

Childhood is a deeply formative phase, shaping how we understand relationships, develop behavioural patterns, and respond to the world around us. It is during these early years that we learn what feels safe, how to connect with others, and how to make sense of emotional experiences. However, when a child grows up in a toxic or unsafe environment, they may be forced to adopt coping mechanisms simply to navigate daily life. While these responses may help them feel secure in the moment, they can linger long after childhood – quietly influencing behaviour, emotional responses, and relationships in adulthood.

Jeff Guenther, a Portland-based licensed therapist with 21 years of experience and a mental health content creator known as Therapy Jeff on social media, breaks down the truth behind the urge to find goodness in people – whether it is an inherent trait or one shaped by childhood trauma from growing up with abusive parents. In an Instagram video shared on March 13, he outlines ways to identify trauma responses, distinguish them from genuine traits, and begin unlearning patterns rooted in coping mechanisms.

The psychology behind the coping mechanism

According to Jeff, finding the good in people might not be genuinely who you are, but remnants of a coping mechanism that your brain learnt growing up in a toxic or abusive household. He explains that when a child is raised in a chaotic or unsafe environment, they learn to focus on the good in others as a way to feel safe with someone who may also be hurting them.This tendency does not just disappear after growing up, but continues to haunt every relationship.

The therapist highlights, “Do you see the good in people because that's genuinely who you are? Or because your brain learned it was the only way to survive living with toxic or abusive parents? Because when you grow up in a chaotic or unsafe home, you get really, really good at finding the good in people. You had to. If you can find enough good in the person who was hurting you, you could stay safe or at least feel safe. And that skill doesn't just disappear when you're an adult. You carry it into every relationship.”

How to identify the trauma response?

Jeff outlines three ways to help you track your behaviour and determine whether your responses are genuine, or rooted in underlying trauma.

1. It’s an instantaneous response

The therapist explains that a trauma response is almost instantaneous, functioning like a reflex. You may find yourself explaining or justifying a red flag almost immediately after recognising it. He states, “It is fast, almost instant. Someone shows you a red flag and within seconds you've already explained it away. You're not even conscious of doing it. That speed is a survival reflex, not a character assessment.”

2. Constant anxiety and sense of urgency

When your relationships are marked by constant anxiety and a pressing sense that the person has to be good – otherwise something bad will happen – it is often a trauma response rooted in your inner child. Jeff explains, “It's anxious, right? There's this low-grade urgency underneath it. Like, you need them to be good because if they're not good, something bad could happen. That feeling, that's the kid in you talking.”

3. Assuming goodness without evidence

Jeff highlights that the clearest sign is when you instinctively assume someone is a good person – without concrete evidence, or before they’ve truly shown you who they are. It’s a tendency to fill in the blanks with goodness, even when those parts remain unknown. The therapist explains, “This is the most obvious one. It comes before any evidence. You have decided they're a good person before they've actually shown you much of anything. You're filling in blanks that haven't been revealed yet.”

Genuinely finding good in people

Jeff emphasises that when this tendency is genuine – rather than rooted in trauma – it unfolds more gradually and is grounded in consistent patterns of behaviour. Recognising someone’s good qualities does not mean dismissing the hurt they have caused; both can be acknowledged at the same time. Ultimately, the aim is to allow goodness to reveal itself over time, rather than assuming it by default.

The therapist explains, “Genuinely seeing the good in people, that's slower. It's based on a pattern of behaviour over time, and it can also hold complexity. You can see someone's good qualities and acknowledge the ways that they've hurt you without those two things actually canceling each other out. The goal isn't to become cynical. The goal is to let the good you see in someone be earned, not assigned in advance because your nervous system needed it to be true.”

Unlearning the pattern

Jeff stresses that the traumatised child within you – who once had to convince themselves that their abusive parents were good in order to survive – was responding out of necessity. But that response does not have to remain your default. “You did what you needed to do to get through it. Now you get to put that job down. You don't have to find the good anymore. You just have to wait for people to show it to you,” he concludes.

Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. It is based on user-generated content from social media. HT.com has not independently verified the claims and does not endorse them.