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12 hilarious lines from Twinkle Khanna’s Mrs Funnybones

12 hilarious lines from Twinkle Khanna’s Mrs Funnybones

brunch Updated: Apr 05, 2017 14:06 IST
Saudamini Jain
Saudamini Jain
Hindustan Times
Mrs Funnybones,Twinkle Khanna,Akshay Khanna
Twinkle Khanna poses for a photograph during the launch of her book Miss Funnybones in Mumbai on August 18, 2015. (AFP Photo)

Everybody’s talking about Twinkle Khanna’s book launch. Aamir Khan lauded Twinkle’s ability to insult people. Twinkle talked about Akshay Kumar drunkenly singing this strange song nobody’s heard before: “Mainu visa dila de Dubai da” and that a chapter in the book is titled Karan Johar celebrates Karva Chauth.

While you were watching videos of the event, I was reading the book – it’s part memoir, part Mommy-Lit, part musings, part life-of-a-filmstar’s-wife and maybe even part-self-help. The best bits are of course the funny bits.

We bring you excerpts:

1. On Kim Kardashian, Saroj Khan and breaking the Internet:
Before the world even knew Kimmy existed, we had the famous choreographer Saroj Khan who could certainly balance a tray and a cup of tea on her bottom if she tried, not that she ever did. She used that bit to sway gloriously and teach others to do the same. Just like our politicians, I am bringing this up to prove that anything anyone can do, we Indians could have or have done it earlier and better.

2. On her name:
Naming me Twinkle was a foolproof way of making sure that I would get teased throughout my life, have immigration officers at various airports stare at my passport and shake with hysterical laughter and strangers stalk me with WhatsApp messages like, ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, little star, I hope you get hit by a car!’

3. On her mother trying to get her to make a bad investment:
Mother starts berating me for having spoilt this great prospect and when I try explaining to her that this is just a money-making racket as the numbers don’t add up, she again yells at me for behaving like I am ‘some kind of maths teacher’. Hurt about the maths dig, I remind her that I had scored 97 out of 100 in my board exams on the same subject. She must remember that at least, since she and my aunt had made fun of me saying, ‘The Human Calculator not only gets 97 marks but also weighs 97 kilos.’

4. More on mom:
I tell her, ‘It’s not funny, Mom, and sometimes you really do make stupid mistakes.’ She snorts, ‘That’s true, I made you.’

5. On what constitutes a mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationship:
When I was a newly-wed, she sat me down and explained, ‘Two tigers cannot live in the same field.’ I was a bit puzzled as I had no idea that she was an animal conservationist. When I kept asking the man of the house about her work with wildlife welfare groups, he gave me a withering look and said, ‘She means you and she can’t live in the same field.’ I just shrugged my shoulders and said, ‘No sweat off my back, darling, as I live on the first floor, she can have the field all to herself.’

But gradually, I realised that mummyji was right; we would be sharing the same field, though not as tigers but as the main cheerleaders for the one man out there who technically belongs to both of us; so we might as well shake our pom-poms together.

6. On her domestic help – “the most honest, loyal person I know”:
I am at my neighbour’s for tea when my domestic wonder calls me to say that some gentleman has entered the house and is asking for my passport and wants to know where my computer is as well. Rather worried, I ask my desi Jeeves if he recognizes this man, to which he replies, ‘Didi, I don’t think so. Looks villain type of person, come fast.’ I frantically rush home only to discover that
A: The gentleman in question is Mansukh bhai, my Internet fellow.
B: He has been asking for my laptop password, and not my passport.

7. On not being a philosopher:
As I am in the midst of my random musings, my reverie is interrupted by the man of the house saying, ‘I am hungry, let’s get some food!’

Sometimes I am glad I am not a philosopher – how would I ever complete a single chain of thought when someone is constantly asking me to do something? I don’t think Plato would have been able to write his dialogues if he had a wife who kept bugging him to pass the pita bread.

8. On Karva chauth and the life expectancy rate of husbands:
There are 146 countries above us where the men have longer lifespans, and the biggest blow is that even with four wives who don’t fast for them, the Arab men outlive our good old Indian dudes.

9. On an old ad controversy, and general advice for life:
A wise woman keeps her hands firmly in her pockets and does not accidentally unzip anything, including her mouth.

10. On her status in the house:
The man of the house has very politely informed guests who have come to see the baby that I am unavailable, as I am ‘milking’, and thereby sealed my status from cool chick to mooing cow.

11. On her sense of humour and her ‘prodigal’ son’s disdain for it:
Him: ‘Mom, I have packed my Swiss Army knife.’
Me: ‘Why? Are you going on a school trip or trying to attack Afghanistan?’
Him: ‘Mom, your jokes suck.’

12. On her smartphone:
God was right when he told Adam to leave the apple alone.

From HT Brunch, August 20
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First Published: Aug 20, 2015 17:19 IST