Witerati: The big fat lame excuse bloom of Zoom

Americans may have tired of inventing excuses for an apology of a President called Donald Trump, whom even Covid couldn’t tame, but one thing at which we Indians outsmart westerners and never run out of is the art of weaving excuses lame. Left, right, centre, epicentre and nerve-centre. (Nerve centre, because none can match us Indians when it comes to the ‘nerve’ or verve with which we’re game to deliver pretexts lame).

Just when the National Short List of Lame Excuses seemed to be running out of steam – much in the manner of the NCB charge-sheets churned out damning the Divas of Drug-peddling, along came Covid.

With its New Normal narrative, which made the Virtual the New Real, came trundling along a litany of latest lame excuses.

For those fed on a robust diet of staple excuses springing from the repertoire of Babudom India or India Inc, there’s now a new stage spinning a lexicon of lame excuses faster than cricketers Rashid Khan or Rahul Tewatia’s action – The Big Fat Indian Dhoom and Boom on Zoom.

Thanks to this, the National Short List of Lame Excuses just turned into a Long List. Who better to bear the brunt of it, oops often the grunt of it, than our Lollitas, Lamba jis, Lally jis & Co.

Of #WorkFromHome & the Web

What sarkari and corporate lingo-ism couldn’t do for the Great Indian Lame Excuse Long List, has been done by New Normal’s hashtag-ism. #WorkFromHome has given this Long List a new lease of life. Oops, or is it new lease of Lies!

“Sahab is in the Loo”; “Sahab is in a meeting”; “Sahab is on a tour” blah blah – all are passé.

Picture One. Lamba ji’s smartphone squiggles alive as he is busy belting out his boom on Zoom. He tosses it at Lollita with the adroitness of a referee spinning a toss.

“It’s the Boss!”

He bleats like a little lamb at Lollita, contorting his countenance into imploring histrionics that broadly translate into bestowing upon her a new job profile – Multitasking as Lamba ji’s PA (Pandemic’s Assistant) while juggling her own #WorkFromHome and #WorkOfHome.

It’s the same beseeching look a deer is wont to wear, were a wolf to come calling for dinner in the middle of conferencing by the deer with many a peer.

“Honey, please cook up some excuse. Say I’m attending an earth-shaking Webinar ...”

Lollita goggles glacially at Lamba ji. The only earth he seems to be shaking is the one beneath his armchair every time he joyously jounces with or without slipper while watching Ravi Bishnoi’s chutki flipper.

“Er... Can he call back later? He’s attending a global webinar of regional ‘heads’!” Lollita fobs off Lamba ji’s boss, her trite tone tapering off with tad emphasis on the last word.

Truth be told, Lamba ji is gainfully employed (alas, for her, painfully employed) in putting “heads” together on a Zoom call with cricketing cronies for foretelling the fate of “regional” teams battling it out on a “global” turf – IPL 2020. It’s in the middle of Lamba ji’s live punditry on Zoom about Navdeep Saini’s full toss that there has come this pest of a call from a boss who is cross.

What more inopportune moment than this to give birth to New Normal’s hottest new excuse – India Webinar-ing.

The curious case of the Lame Excuses’ Long List looking longer thanks to India Zooming’s “Who Moved My Crease.”

Going places in time of #StayHome

When a head honcho recently dished out an ingenious pretext to a peer for not reverting to WhatsApp messages, little did he know he was contributing to New Normal’s Long List of Lame Excuses.

“Sorry, I was on a tour to the Planning Commission,” he furnished his standard sarkari excuse, substantiating it by posting on Instagram his masked face of officialdom.

“OMG, you went to Delhi at the peak of the Capital’s Covid curve?” gasped the peer.

“Nah, just a virtual tour!” the honcho mumbled lamely.

What a mask had to do with a virtual tour is anybody’s guess!

Voila, but this Standard Sarkari Tour Excuse acquired a new twist in the time of #WFH. Who better than Lamba ji to live it out!

Picture Two. Lollita is on a Zoom family reunion and in the middle of it whispers aside to Lamba ji, “Bade Bua ji is asking why you didn’t attend the recent family wedding?”

“Wedding? In Lockdown?” Lamba ji caterwauls with consternation, much in the manner of an affronted Cat chided for not chasing pigeons whilst kept caged inside the window.

“Obviously ... On Zoom,” Lollita looks appalled at Lamba ji’s denseness, not of cranial follicles but of faculties.

“Honey, make some excuse, that I was on tour,” Lamba mumbles mindlessly.

Now it’s Lollita’s turn to glare glassily at the lameness of Lamba ji’s excuse.

“Tour? Or detour!”

For, the only tour Lamba ji has been undertaking during #WFH is from his reclining chair to the refrigerator for recurrent refuelling.

The curious case of the lamest excuse for not legging it to My Big Fat Geek Wedding.

chetnakeer@yahoo.com