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Wait till India wins next

Get a love discussion with cyrus
Hindustan Times | By Cyrus Broacha, Mumbai
UPDATED ON MAR 01, 2012 05:32 PM IST

I’m 14 and have a crush on a classmate since the last nine months. But whenever I try and approach her, my friends tease me. Since I don’t have the courage to propose to her amidst all this, I have decided to wait for a year. Am I doing the right thing?
Gabbar Singh

Gabbar, since you are the mathematician that first pioneered the equation ‘Kitne aadmi the,’ you will understand that 14 years minus nine months means you were only 13 at the time of your crush. This is the age when you should be pursuing more serious goals, such as the one-handed pull-up, reciting the alphabet, or making public your interest in Bharatnatyam. I think you can wait for at least two years more, or till whenever India wins a cricket match next.

I’m 18, and most of my friends have girlfriends. A lot of girls like me, but I get cold feet easily. All these things depress me. Please offer a solution. I have so many expectations from you.
Swapnil Dashpute

Swapnil, you are suffering from a condition known as borderline anxiety. Now by having high expectations from me, you are forcing me to have borderline performance anxiety as well. So, you are a rare case of being the carrier as well as the victim. Now for your solution — let’s try the ‘greater negative’ method. You find interacting with girls simultaneously difficult. So, when confronted with the greater negative, you’ll be able to withstand the lesser negative. For example, ask the girl’s mother to be present (you’ll automatically find the girl to be the lesser of the two, shall we say, evils). Now I’d love to give you more ‘greater negative’ examples, but I need to take my performance anxiety medication.

I’m 16 and I love a boy a lot. But in spite of knowing this, he avoids me, saying he isn’t a good match. But he gets nervous when I talk to other guys. In fact, a year ago he had even kissed me. Do you think he is interested? Should I move on and get into a relationship with another guy? Help.

Manisha, remember what the famous German playwright Breeht said: “Men are not potatoes.” In fact, Breeht was very serious about this; so serious that he didn’t even say this in German. Yes, men are not potatoes. You can’t just pick up one then drop him and pick up another one as you would a potato. So no, I don’t think you should go for another potato. The old potato obviously loves you so help him through his anxieties and complexes. He’s a rather weak potato and needs your strength before he can finally be used in a salad. By the way, I’m writing this as I look into a mirror and I must say, I’m no longer sure that men are not potatoes.

I’m 17, and I love a girl, but I have lied to her about my past with numerous girls. What do you think her reaction should be once she learns the truth?
Confused Juk

That’s your question? What’ll be her reaction when she finds out you lied? Dear Mr Confused, let’s guess: A) She’ll be really happy. B) She’ll say she understands and hopes you will continue to lie to her in the future. C) She’ll remove her chappal and beat you on the head for three continuous weeks. Plus, maybe expect a big gift as compensation and still probably love you. Be prepared to take your beating like a man. Concede the moral ground and assume the submissive position.

Just write to uncle cy And I’ll give you some relief…. err… that is, provided, I’m not doing a headstand at the time.

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