There’s a strange, latent threat I see at work in relationships, and it comes from within. It is the assumptions people begin to make about each other.
I have seen marriages end, not because the assumptions were borne out, but because they were held for so long that they quietly infiltrated what had been a reasonably steady bond.
Where do these come from? I find that there are generally two sources: negative experiences in a past relationship; and a certain lack of intimacy. (There’s fear at play too, of course; but I believe fear comes from a certain lack of intimacy too.)
Take Arjun, a 30-year-old client of mine, who made an assumption before his wedding that would see his marriage end in less than a year. He had been in a few relationships over seven years. When they didn’t work out, he agreed to a match set up by his parents.
When he first met the woman who would be his wife, she told him about her past relationship. At the time, he said nothing about his own.
In a past relationship, he says, a girlfriend had not taken his sharing of such information well, and had told him never to bring up his romantic past with her. This led him to believe that women strongly preferred not to know.
When his wife-to-be didn’t explicitly ask, he assumed he was right in this belief. She, of course, assumed that the reason he contributed no stories of his own, after she had bared her soul to him, was because there was no significant story to tell.
Then, a few months into the marriage, his wife befriended a new colleague who turned out to be one of Arjun’s former girlfriends. When the wife confronted Arjun, he told her about the others.
She was distraught. How could he not have said anything? She now had questions she couldn’t trust him to answer. She couldn’t bring herself to trust him at all.
He insists he had no intention of hiding things from her. She maintains he should at least have asked her if she wanted to know about his past.
I believe him, and I agree with her. And this is the kind of conundrum it can cause, when we make assumptions about each other.
Even a far simpler one can be potentially damaging. I have a client, Joanna, who saw her parents do everything together and grew up assuming that all married couples did the same.
When her husband Mark began occasionally socialising on his own, a few months into their marriage, she felt rejected. A few sessions helped ease this situation for them, but that’s because they sought outside help. I’ve seen this particular assumption wreak havoc, when left unchecked.
There are five other key areas in which assumptions commonly lead to disharmony. If you recognise any of these in your bond, do act to defuse them.
Money: Always discuss how the finances will be organised, before you take the step of marrying, sharing assets or setting up a joint bank account. I cannot stress this enough: You need to be on the same page here.
Chores: How will you divide the chores? This is certainly a make-or-break, top-five question that should be asked early on.
Sex: There is little one can do about libidos that don’t match. And while this can be a hard conversation to have, particularly if you have not yet spent much intimate time together, it is an important one.
Social calendars: Who will plan the trips? Who will be in charge of the children’s schedule? This may not be an early-date question, but it’s a discussion to have as soon as the calendar becomes a shared one.
Decision-making power: To what degree does each partner want, or expect, to be involved? Find out early on if you are with someone who really doesn’t mind coming home to find the drawing room repainted. And find out, as early as possible, if you’re building a bond with someone who has to have the last say.
As always, empathy can help. Be perceptive to a partner’s reactions. Ask questions. Listen. And try not to be defensive if they say: “Actually, I’ve never really wanted…” (no matter how that sentence ends).
(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on simran@floh.in)
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