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HT Brunch Cover Story: Love, loss, light
Chef Vikas Khanna and his mother, Bindu, on learning to celebrate again, after the death of a loved one
“Everyone should be home with their family for Diwali. I really regret not realising this earlier,” says Vikas Khanna, clinging to his 75-year-old mother Bindu Khanna, as though he’ll never let her go, at their first-ever magazine shoot together.
The 51-year-old Michelin-star chef, author, filmmaker and philanthropist is back in India with his mother for the first time in more than two years, because of the pandemic. Their joy at being together again is palpable—but so is a tinge of grief. Seven months ago, fashion designer Radhika Khanna—Vikas’s sister and Bindu’s daughter—passed away in a New York hospital of lupus, an auto-immune disease she had been battling since 2008. For Vikas and Bindu, therefore, this year’s festive season will not be entirely joyful. But they are determined to make the best of it, they say, as they give their first in-depth interview post her passing. Past mistakes, such as believing that work is more important than family, need redemption, they believe.
“Last year’s Diwali was full of uncertainties,” recalls Vikas, holding his mother’s hand for support. “This moli (sacred thread) on my left hand was tied by Radhika with great difficulty. She was in hospital at the time and sitting with her there, I remembered the silly fights we had had as children and realised that all those things, those fights, everything, are meaningless in the face of the fact that you are family and you are there for each other.”
Lupus can affect many different body systems, including the joints, skin, kidneys, blood cells, brain, heart and lungs.
“Radhika had been fighting it for the last 14 years but she was one of the strongest patients anyone had ever seen,” says Vikas. “Four days before she passed away, the doctors said there was very little hope for her. But Radhika told them, ‘You don’t know my brother. He is crazy. My brother will save me and get me out of here.’”
That last Diwali
As the festive season gains momentum, Vikas remembers his last Diwali with his sister.
“That was my most beautiful Diwali. We were full of uncertainty. But one hand held mine, giving me the strength I needed. At the hospital, I did the puja with Radhika. She was not allowed to eat but I still made the food our grandmother made on Diwali. I wanted her to see the thali and be happy. When I left her that night, I prayed, ‘God, I’m okay with this kind of Diwali, but please don’t take her from me,’” he says.
It was then that he understood he would never let another Diwali pass without being with his family. “There is nothing bigger than family. Losing Radhika made me realise that,” he says.
Just as he was trying to schedule a Diwali trip to India, he was offered a place as a judge for the forthcoming season of Masterchef India.
“I took it right away because the festive season was about to begin, and for the last 21 years, I have celebrated every festive season in New York with Radhika,” he says. “Last Diwali, I put all my work on hold and devoted my entire attention to just two things—taking care of Radhika and the Feed India initiative. I knew neither of these things would get a second chance.”
All for Radhika
Radhika had been due for a kidney transplant on March 10, with a kidney donated by Vikas. The match between their kidneys was so perfect that it surprised even Radhika’s doctors and strengthened Vikas’s belief that he and his sister were twin souls.
But she passed away on February 28, leaving Vikas and Bindu shattered.
“I had never experienced this kind of loss before,” says Vikas. “She fought for me all the time. When I won my first Michelin, she came all the way from Bellevue to meet me. She watched the editing of my now award-winning film, Barefoot Empress, from her hospital bed. I watched TV with her—even Sex and the City, which I don’t like but endured for her sake.”
After she passed, Vikas sought help from a therapist. “I learned about sublimation, where you put the energy of your emptiness into something else to pay tribute to the people you have lost. That’s what I’ve been trying to do—create new things, finish projects, keep Radhika’s memory alive,” he says.
Among these new things is an aggressive campaign for Barefoot Empress, so that Radhika’s dream of placing an Oscar in her apartment can be fulfilled.
“She was crazy about films and had always dreamt of going to the Oscars,” says Vikas. Next year, he has something big coming up with a Bollywood stalwart too.
Besides this, he has committed himself to the education of five million girls, will speak on women’s issues, and is creating better facilities for South Asian women suffering from lupus. This week, he will release a new brand of chocolate, LMS, and on November 14, his birthday, he will release a children’s book on the life of Karthiyani Amma, the heroine of Barefoot Empress, which is the real-life story of 100-year-old Karthiyani, who cleared Kerala’s literacy exam with top marks when she was 96.
Vikas will also open a new restaurant in New York next year. “This restaurant was also Radhika’s dream. She had always wondered why Indian restaurants don’t have long queues of people waiting for tables, like the other restaurants in the city, and that’s what I’m aiming for,” reveals Vikas.
Together in spirit
“I love all festivals, whether it’s Bihu, Pongal, Holi, Diwali or even the Hornbill festival! Festivals reboot families and signify new beginnings. They are a brilliant way to bring people together,” says Vikas. But Diwali was Radhika’s favourite festival, say Bindu and Vikas. “She would always tell me to leave work and have fun with her. She would say that the world won’t stop for anyone,” remembers Vikas. “It’s important to remember our heritage and culture. I run several initiatives to ensure that everyone can share the joy of festivals.”
So, though Radhika is no longer here in body, the Khanna family intend to celebrate because she’s with them in spirit.
Initially, their Diwalis had been about things—new clothes, a freshly painted home, and so on.
“Biji, Vikas’s grandmother, cooked amazing food for Diwali,” says Bindu. “She would start by making sooji halwa, and then do the puja, get everybody together and distribute gifts. At night, she would make matar wale chawal to offset the heaviness of the day’s meals and sweets. Radhika loved this festival, partly because she got a lot of money from everyone!”
“But now it’s about family, about people,” says Vikas. “What matters is people. You need to be with your loved ones and honour the memories of the people you’ve lost.”
For Bindu, it’s been a terrible year. But she has Vikas with her now. She holds his hand tightly. They’re together and they’ll be fine.
From HT Brunch, October 15, 2022
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