That Feeling When by Nikhil Taneja: Stop asking me about my mask, thanks

If the scars of the pandemic run deep, then it’s best to simply move on the way that suits you the best

“But why are you still wearing a mask?”

If I had a rupee for every time I’ve been asked this question over the last two months, I’d have enough rupees to buy many more masks, which I would wear over many more months, and this cycle would repeat endlessly till the end of time. Or, till the end of Covid.

“But hasn’t Covid ended?” you ask.

To believe or not believe?

Well, apparently, we are at that stage of the (post?) pandemic, where we are living through what I’d like to call, ‘Schrodinger’s Covid’. Covid both exists and does not exist right now, and whether you get it (again) or not depends on circumstances that are certainly random and completely out of your control.

People on Insta stories, Twitter threads and in these relics we call newspapers (*wink*), are of the opinion that the coronavirus is alive and kicking , like some version of the overly-attached partner who refuses to break-up, despite things having gotten pretty shitty. But the majority IRL prefer to think that the coronavirus is dead (RIP), we have all been freed; long live stinky breath and double chins.

Sure, I’d love to be in the latter group of confident people who believe in a world where we are allowed to believe anything we want. But I belong to a minority group that wants to counter every question on why we wear masks with a playful (but sharp AF) sting in return: “Okay, but what is your excuse for NOT wearing a mask?” Like, really, where do you get the conviction that everything will continue to be okay, the self-belief that even if it won’t be okay, you will still be okay, and the delusion that the universe isn’t actually out to get you personally?

Safe for safety’s sake

To be honest, I’m actually jealous of every one of you presumptuous enough to leave your fates quite literally to the winds. Because I do wish that I didn’t have pangs of panic each time I find myself in a gathering of more than four people at a time; that I wasn’t perpetually triggered with anxiety at the harrowing possibility of getting COVID and passing it on to someone I love; that my body was able to overcome the crippling horror of reading, not long ago, the dire SOS messages desperately seeking aid floating unanswered online for weeks; that I could shut out the memories of grief for the people I’ve known and lost to the pandemic; that I was just able to... move on.

But, as my nervous system would have it, I’m unable to just... move on. After significant efforts, though, I have found the inner strength to move (or stumble) into the new old normal, to a version of the carefree life I had left behind, with friends I have missed seeing and hugging and being in the beautiful company of, experiencing again the collective joy of laughing and crying with a community during a live event or at a movie theatre (yay!). And all I need to be able to feel safe, is to be safe.

So ultimately, I’m just a man, standing in front of a maskless world, asking you to stop asking me about my mask. And maintain social distancing, thanks.

Nikhil Taneja is a writer, producer, storyteller, public speaker, feeler of feelings, men’s mental health advocate and co-founder of Yuvaa

That Feeling When is a fortnightly column that offers a relatable take on mental health and emotional well-being.

It will next appear on June 5, 2022.

From HT Brunch, May 21, 2022

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