9 telltale signs your partner is lying and tips to deal with them

Updated on Sep 05, 2022 01:16 PM IST

Relationships are founded on trust and candour and if you have suspicions that your partner is lying, how can you establish if the suspicions are merely in your head if your partner refuses to discuss the matter? Here are 9 telltale signs that your partner is lying and tips to deal with them

9 telltale signs your partner is lying and tips to deal with them (RODNAE Productions)
9 telltale signs your partner is lying and tips to deal with them (RODNAE Productions)
ByZarafshan Shiraz, Delhi

Television plots are guided by deception and cliffhangers are added to keep us captivated but there is a significant distinction between being delighted by fictional characters who lie and being duped by real people. The inability to trust another person, especially in an intimate relationship, can be fatal to a relationship.

A lie, no matter how tiny or innocuous, may damage relationships in a fraction of a second. Relationships are founded on trust and candour and if you have suspicions that your partner is lying, how can you establish if the suspicions are merely in your head if your partner refuses to discuss the matter?

In an interview with HT Lifestyle, Dr Malini Saba, Psychologist, Founder and Chairman of Anannke Foundation, shared three indicators you may have caught your partner in a lie, even if they won't admit it:

1. Stories are illogical - When your partner is lying you, their stories may have inconsistencies. Or they may omit or alter certain details if asked about the same event twice.To catch them in a lie, after some time has passed, ask them to recount their version of a certain event. If things don't match up, it is undeniably a symptom of dishonesty. If you've discovered contradictions about where they were, who they were with, and what they were doing, pay closer attention and be objective when listening to their stories.

2. They're distant - In a relationship, both parties are required to be honest and communicate everything. If your partner abruptly turns withdrawn, changes the routine, does not initiate intimacy, or acts distantly while attempting to conceal anything, it could be a red flag. Perhaps they've been lying for so long that it's gotten tiresome. Sharing less has become a preferable option for you and your spouse. If they answer your queries about their day in monosyllables, explore deeper.

3. They make you doubt your beliefs - There is a problem when your partner can manipulate the conversation to the point where you begin to question yourself and your thoughts. If you are the target of blame at the conclusion of every encounter, you must research the situation deeper to see what is actually occurring. If your partner employs gaslighting to instil self-doubt in you, it may be because they have much to hide. Making you question your own beliefs is their best chance at evasion.

According to Dr Malini Saba, following are the tips to handle a lying partner:

  1. Know the reasons why your partner lied to you. Understanding the motivation behind the lie will help you deal with it more effectively.
  2. Communicate with them with patience and empathy. Do not accuse them and avoid passing judgement before hearing them out.
  3. Approach the situation pragmatically so that they do not feel insulted.
  4. Be cautious of manipulation and maintain your integrity. You do not want them to turn the tables and accuse you.
  5. When addressing a partner who is lying, you must be confident in the facts you possess and use them effectively.
  6. Ask for direct and specific inquiries. If you leave your questions open to different answers, it will be a while before you get clear answers.
  7. Regardless of the outcome, state that you will not accept lying in your relationships.
  8. Inform your partner that their actions have caused you pain. If that is something you cannot tolerate in the future, you should let them know.

Dr Anuneet Sabharwal, MBBS, MD, Psychiatrist, Founder and Director of Happy Tree Hospital, further discussed three traits of a lying partner. These include:

1. Too defensive - If your partner gives extended explanations for simple things, they may be lying, and this indicates a liar's guilt. Overcompensating for a falsehood makes people defensive. Don't disregard your instincts, as they may be pointing you in the right direction.

2. They're angry - Your partner will become enraged about trivial matters if they are a liar. They may become irrationally angry and lash out if you provoke them. Anger enables your partner to evade your examination and questioning. This, however, can be a dangerous propensity that indicates deeper issues in the relationship. If you've ever pondered when to leave a partner who lies, this is one of the circumstances in which you may be forced to reevaluate the future of your relationship.

3. They distract you - Your partner, who is lying, may attempt to evade or change the subject. They may attempt to divert your attention by bringing up other issues and altering the conversation's direction. And if they are unable to do so, he or she will draw attention to you in order to avoid the spotlight.

Dr Anuneet Sabharwal listed some ways on how to deal with them:

  1. Be composed and calm. Objectivity is essential for a proper and candid dialogue.
  2. Know why you want to talk to your partner and be ready for what will happen as a result.
  3. Communicate with them without blaming them. Remember to avoid ambiguity and assumptions at all costs.
  4. Be attentive and understanding. Respectfully, consider their justifications.
  5. Do not blame or be judgmental. At the same time, it is important to be objective and not allowing yourself to be emotionally manipulated.
  6. Even if you are blamed or fired, maintain your composure.
  7. Involve a therapist if you wish to address the matter with an expert.
  8. Be compassionate but firm in your convictions.

Adding to the attributes, Psychologist Sukirti Tomar, revealed three characteristics of a lying partner:

1. Their physical behaviour - If a person is lying and experiencing nervousness, their odd body language will frequently reveal this. They will shrug their shoulders, sweat harder, fiddle with their hair, and attempt to hide behind physical items such as chairs and tables. If you pay close attention, you will notice that their body language is strange and that they are concealing something.

2. Keeps their phone locked and distant - If your spouse is concealing something, they will restrict access to their phone. They will lock it with a code and may even keep it in silent mode most of the time. They will immediately lock the phone when you are present and will answer calls from a distance.

3. Utilization of filler words - If you catch your partner off guard, they may fumble and buy time to fabricate a lie. They will use several fillers, including "hmm," "uh," "er," etc. Due to their nervousness, they may sometimes appear preoccupied and restless. Sometimes, their tone may become more formal, which could be a sign that they are feeling pressured to keep lying.

Talking about how to deal with them, Psychologist Sukirti Tomar suggested:

  1. Never lash out at them right away. Learn why they lie, how much they lie, and what they lie about first. This can help you figure out how to stop the bad habit so it doesn't hurt your relationship.
  2. You shouldn't feel sorry for your spouse's actions, even if they cheated on you.
  3. Before confronting your spouse about the deception, consider your goal. So you won't be easily misled or take the blame.
  4. Before confronting your spouse, consider how you'd respond if you confirmed the lie.
  5. Let your spouse know you're upset by their actions and try to work out the toxicity together.

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