‘Emotional outsourcing’: Expert breaks down why we expect too much from our partners

Expecting our partner to be everything is not a healthy pattern. Experts break down why this happens and how to build healthier emotional boundaries.

Are you expecting your partner to be everything for you? Most of us do that. In today’s dating world, we expect our partners to be our best friend, unpaid therapist, lover, intellectual partner, travel partner, sole confidant, and what not. While it’s not wrong entirely, it’s not healthy either to burden a person with all their emotional needs.

Emotional outsourcing looks like; when we expect our partners to fill roles, we haven’t learned to fill ourselves. (Unsplash)

Shah Rukh Khan (Dr Jehangir in Dear Zindagi) once said, “Zindagi me alag alag rishte hote hai, har ek ehsas ke liye alag rishta hota hai. Like a special musical rishta with someone, jo hamara musical taste share karta hai, ‘for let’s get coffee together wala rishta, perfect to have coffee with, but not anything else. There are so many special relationships, and romantic wala rishta inme se sirf ek hai, aur sab rishta ke ehsas ki zimmedari, ye bojh, kisi ek rishte par dalna, a bit unfair, no?”

Dr Aditi said, “Love is no longer a space we step into together; instead, it is an expectation, a space we contract someone else to fill. Many people enter relationships with invisible, overwhelming, and often unrealistic expectations: be my best friend, my therapist, my cheerleader, co-parent, financial partner, emotional anchor, and even my reason to live.”

This is what emotional outsourcing looks like; when we expect our partners to fill roles, we haven’t learned to fill ourselves.

Disappointment is inevitable when there’s a wide gap between expectations and reality.

Aditi Govitrikar highlighted that in today’s times, primary attachments are more demanding than ever and far more dependent; while people seek deep and intimate relationships, emotional stability is often missing from the equation. “Disappointment is inevitable when there’s a wide gap between expectations and reality,” added Dr Aditi.

Why does emotional outsourcing happen?

There are multiple reasons that lead to emotional outsourcing in a relationship. It can be rooted in childhood survival patterns, lack of internal safety, cultural forces, and attachment styles. Most importantly, it happens when individuals lack awareness of their emotional patterns and inner workings.

There are multiple reasons that lead to emotional outsourcing in a relationship.

How do healthy relationships work?

According to Dr Aditi, one of the best definitions of a healthy relationship is when two partners are complete and intact and have chosen to walk alongside each other.

An internal shift occurs when we take ownership of our emotional landscape, our healing, our self-worth, and our stability. We become less demanding in the way we show up in love and more available to the experience, and in that openness, love becomes lighter, more effortless, and authentic.

It’s important to build a support system beyond one person — friends, family, hobbies, and even time with yourself — so that love feels like a choice, not a responsibility weighed down by unrealistic expectations.

She concluded by stating that your partner doesn't need to be everything for a perfect relationship. They are just the person you choose every day.

Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition.