Therapist debunks ‘love language’: Origin, use, and how it has become the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card

Blaming fights and relationship issues on love language is just a way to avoid addressing real issues, according to Jeff Guenther.

Finding out about a romantic partner’s love language has been a popular trend among Gen Z. Its apparent mismatch has even fuelled break-ups. From deep conversations to lovers’ quarrels, the topic of love language has made its presence felt in every sphere.

:Love language did not originate as a social scientific term, shares Jeff Guenther. (Pixabay)

However, the concept itself did not come from any scientific, sociological or psychological schools of thought, and does not hold much water when it comes to analysing relationships as such, according to Jeff Guenther, a licensed professional counsellor based in Portland.

Taking to Instagram on February 12, Jeff claimed that “love languages have become the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card for avoiding basic relationship skills. People are using them to explain away incompatibility and justify not meeting their partner’s needs.”

Words of affirmation are not a “love language.” It is just the desire to have one’s partner say nice things to them sometimes, and that should be considered the “bare minimum” that a romantic partner can do, shared Jeff.

Where did ‘love language’ come from?

Explaining the origin of the term ‘love language,’ Jeff shared that it was Gary Chapman, a Baptist pastor, who first coined the term in 1992. Gary did not have any psychological training, nor did he have any experience with research or clinical work.

He wrote the five love languages as Christian marriage advice, “a pastor’s opinion about marriage wrapped in pop psychology language.” At present, it is being used by the masses as “peer review science” to excuse bad relationship behaviour, observed Jeff.

How love language is being used in the wrong way

If an individual says that their love language is “acts of service,” it does not automatically excuse them from verbally expressing their appreciation for their partner.

“Doing the dishes doesn’t mean you get to never say thank you or I love you,” explained Jeff. “That’s not a love language, that’s just being emotionally unavailable.”

He shared another example, saying that if a person claims their “love language” is quality time, and their partner needing space means that they don't love them, it does not hold true in all scenarios.

“Maybe they’re a human who needs alone time, and you’re using love language to pathologise normal boundaries,” noted Jeff.

Debunking love language incompatibility

According to Jeff, romantic partners claiming to have “incompatible love languages” does not explain anything. It just means that one of them is unwilling to compromise, and both of them are using the “love language” framework to avoid actually saying that out loud.

“Here’s the thing. Yes, people express and receive love differently. That is true. But love languages have convinced people that if something isn’t their preferred language, they don’t have to do it,” expressed the therapist.

“A healthy relationship means you do all of it. You say nice things, and you show up, and you make time, and you’re physically affectionate, and you do thoughtful things not because it’s your language but because that’s what caring about someone looks like.”

If one partner claims that words of affirmation are not their “love language,” and that is why they never share a compliment or express appreciation for the other, that is not a love language incompatibility. It is “them refusing to meet a basic need and hiding behind pop psychology to do it,” shared Jeff.

“Stop letting a Baptist pastor’s opinion from 1992 excuse your partner’s inability to show up for you in multiple ways. You are not asking for too much. You’re asking for basic relationship skills, and if they can’t give you words and actions and time and affection, that’s not a love language issue. That’s a them issue,” he shared as parting advice.

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