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Cyrus Broacha’s relationship advice: Wines mature with age; people not necessarily so

From navigating relationship trouble to helping your love life go the distance, Cyrus Broacha’s got all the dating advice you need.

sex and relationships Updated: Feb 02, 2019 11:14 IST
Cyrus Broacha
Cyrus Broacha
Hindustan Times, Delhi
Relationship advice,Relationship tips,Love tips
Relationships can be a tricky affair, which is why we have Cyrus Broacha to give you some handy advice. (Unsplash)
I am a 27-year-old lady and am planning to settle down soon. However, none of the guys I have met these days want anything long-term. Should I change the kind of men I am looking for or wait for some miracle to happen? PS

PS, amongst the silliest questions ever asked in the history of questions was ‘Am I black or white?’ (Michael Jackson), ‘Who the #!*& is Alice?’ (Smoky), and your question. I don’t mean to be rude, but if you want a long-term relationship then isn’t it painfully obvious that ‘short-term’ men are a waste of time? So yes, and I’m saying ‘yes’ in three more languages to make it abundantly clear. Yes, Da, Ha, Si. Please stop selling yourself short. Be clear with all the morons, that you want to play five-day test cricket. It’s like my friend Jay Prakash, who went to a shop to buy a television, and instead bought a radio. You want a television. Stay on course for a television. Remember you can’t watch a radio.

I am an introvert and get nervous when I have to speak to people, especially women. There is this girl who lives in my area and I want to confess my feelings for her. However, I have no idea how to go about it. Any suggestions?

The celtic emperor Plaguing the XI-and-a-half ruled an empire of 400 sq km. For celtic kings, it was customary to personally meet all citizens on every second Thursday of the month. Plaguing the XI-and-a-half was painfully shy, and hated social contact. To overcome his problem, he came up with a plan. He first got himself some goldfish and then learnt to interact with them. He actually trained his goldfish to fetch grains of rice in the water. He then moved to cats. Then dogs. Then vertically challenged people, and finally his citizens. GD, first try talking to girls you know, distant relatives, bank tellers, Siri, telemarketers... build some confidence. The trick is not to think of the result; just talk. From mindless chatters are born great conversations, (er, so I’ve been told). By the way, Plaguing the XI-and-a-half never actually overcame his fear of social contact; instead he came up with a brilliant solution. He removed Thursday from the celtic calendar.

I am a 30-year-old lady, haven’t married yet but am in search of a guy. However, I’ve met a guy younger to me through a dating app. I want to know if he is considering this to be a serious relationship or is it just casual enough for him. We speak almost every day and he seems to be quite mature and honest. What should I do? VK

Tina Turner, pop icon, and a lady with very tight halter tops, once said, ‘What’s age got to do with it?’ VK, and I stress this, please understand the difference between people and wines. Wines are shorter. Also, wines mature with age. People not necessarily so. The problem is you need to move this guy from online to offline. And only then will you know if he’s onside or offside. Dating apps tell you a lot, but with due respect to technology, Confuscious once wrote, “Where the website ends, reality starts”. And he wrote this 700 years before the Internet was discovered, or invented. To find out how ‘mature’ your wine is, you need to meet him. It’s called ‘dating’. The concept was very popular in the Elizabethan period. Try it.

There is this girl in my office. We have been talking since the day she joined, which was almost two months ago. We talk at work and even after work hours. I am not sure if she likes me, as she already has a boyfriend. Should I just let this be a friendly relation or should I confess my feelings for her?

RK, although I’ve enjoyed 4,786 relationships in, only four of these cases did the girls actually know I existed. However, there is a school of thought, (and this school is located on the banks of the Brahmaputra in Assam), that believes that communication is the highest form a relationship can take. Higher even than physical intimacy, or even joint bank accounts. By this logic, this girl may be closer to you than you think. I mean connecting before work, during work, and after work is a lot. Also, when do you actually do any work? As for my advice, since she has a boyfriend, play it cool. Don’t propose. Just keep the communication going. Believe me, you are gaining on him every day. Play it cool, and automatically the continental shift should happen.

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First Published: Jan 07, 2019 17:54 IST