Malavika’s Mumbaistan: The Celebrity Circus

Come, let us for one day at least, become Mumbai celebrities; you know the kind I’m referring to: the ones who don ‘athleisure-wear’ for their ‘airport looks’ and are hounded by ‘paps’ who follow them around all day, shouting: ‘Ma’am, ek idhar turn! Sir! Sir! Please hamarey pass dekho! ’when they want them to give off their best angles for insta-media

Come, let us for one day at least, become Mumbai celebrities; you know the kind I’m referring to: the ones who don ‘athleisure-wear’ for their ‘airport looks’ and are hounded by ‘paps’ who follow them around all day, shouting: ‘Ma’am, ek idhar turn! Sir! Sir! Please hamarey pass dekho! ’when they want them to give off their best angles for insta-media.

To be a celebrity in Mumbai everything, including your ego, must be outsized, (except your waist, of course). (HT)

To be a celebrity in Mumbai isn’t simple: You have to gel your hair into its weirdest achievable shape so that it looks more architectural than hirsute and takes on a life of its own; you have to carry an outsize designer satchel which displays a big brand luxe logo; you have to wear outsize sneakers on your feet and outsize spectacles on your forehead and of course- you have to get in or out of an outsized car.

Because, to be a celebrity in Mumbai everything, including your ego, must be outsized, (except your waist, of course).

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One of the first things to being a celebrity in Mumbai is that you have to be spotted at the airport. No question about it. It doesn’t matter if you are actually going to board an airplane or have just disembarked from one. It doesn’t matter if you’re travelling to or from Dubai, Paris, New York or Timbuctoo. No one’s going to check your tickets or visas or baggage tags. No one cares. Because if you’re a celebrity in Mumbai, everyone knows it’s not the journey that matters -it’s the arrival and your airport look.

For starters, being a celebrity in Mumbai requires you to walk up and down the airport concourse. Preferably with your significant other. Preferably hand-in-hand. This means that you have made your relationship ‘official’. No need for pheras, or rings, or informing your nearest and dearest or even a wedding ceremony these days.

If you are a celebrity and want to declare your undying, eternal love for someone, all you have to do is walk hand-in-hand with them on the airport concourse. It’s as simple as that. Promise.

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Once you have established your ‘airport look and walk,’ there are other rites and rituals that you have to perform, to establish your bona fide celeb credentials. You must have a girl gang (that is if you’re a girl, or an A -list Bollywood designer); you must be spotted emerging regularly from a Bandra gym, a salon or a restaurant and you must at some point or the other, post pictures of yourself on a boat in the Maldives. Of course, given that you are a celebrity, that means that you don’t actually have to travel to the Maldives; photoshopped airbrushed images of you in azure waters will do the trick. As long as you follow this up with an ‘airport walk’, whenever convenient, you’ll be fine.

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Celebrities have other duties too, of course. You will be called on to attend music and film launches; rush to the bedside of ailing or injured colleagues; pose with your newborn baby outside the nursing home, minutes after you or your spouse have delivered; deliver a sound byte on the latest controversial film that’s got the industry agog; deny that you sniped about the reigning production house when you were more than a couple of drinks down; explain the lame joke you made when you were more than a few drinks down -that has riled the leading star who calls the industry shots; look the other way when a colleague is being dragged through the coals by the media; smile when you feel like something terrible the cat dragged in… because after all- that’s what comes with the celebrity-territory.

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Of course, being a celebrity requires you to do a few other things too. If you’re a female, it means showing as much skin on a daily basis, as is legally allowed. One famous weapon of mass distraction appears to have predicted her entire career on her daily appearances to and from her gym, because of the relentless, incremental, daily striptease this involves. The whole nation wants to know which item of clothing she will forgo and what or how much skin she will flaunt the next morning. At the rate, she’s going no one will be surprised if she emerges in the glorious suit mother nature originally bestowed her with, one of these days.

On the other hand, if you’re a male celebrity, you need to invest in a wardrobe full of the tightest jeans you can lay your hands on. We’re talking tourniquet -tight here. Spray on tight. Sheath-like, figure-hugging skin –tight. Once you’ve got into one of these and if you’re still able to breathe, then it will help if you could muster up some washboard abs and pumped up biceps to fit snug into a cotton tee. It is an unwritten law that male celebrities in Mumbai must have the body of a Mr Universe, or a prepubescent child. All this, along with a ponytail and some facial hair ( but only if you’re male) could help establish your celeb status nicely. (Other clutter busters to make you stand out in the celebrity crowd could be opting for: body piercing, tattoos, top hats, opting to go barefoot, growing your hair into a mane-or even all of the above.)

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As you can see, being a celebrity in Mumbai is not as easy as it looks. There are things to do, places to visit, Tee-shirts to fit in to, sound bytes to give, etc. The whole point of all this being that you have to somehow stay in the news –cycle, through your appearance, your words and your actions, so that your celebrity hood (perish the thought) doesn’t slip.

Because the main thing about being a celebrity is being part of ‘celebrity culture’. It’s another matter though, if you think that the phrase might just be an oxymoron.