Humour by Rehana Munir: You won’t believe how tired I am!

Modern life is full of afflictions, each vying for the top spot in the misery ratings

Modern life is full of afflictions, each vying for the top spot in the misery ratings. The pandemic crowned loneliness as the winner, but spare a thought for the close second: exhaustion. (And I’m not talking about chronic fatigue syndrome, the long-term condition with no medical explanation.) It’s one of those regularised evils like the price of coffee, or the morbidity of anti-smoking ads, in cinema halls. Everyone’s playing the ‘Whoever dies with the most toys wins’ game. And to do that, we push ourselves to physical and mental breaking point with the monotonous regularity of Akshay Kumar saving the day in an unwatchable film.

It’s so overt, it’s covert

But I’m tired of the tiredness trap; it’s time to tell the truth about it. Like all good scamsters, it hires the best publicists. They wear well-cut suits and give motivational speeches about maximising one’s growth potential. The suits, having plied their trade for years, are now a chorus in our heads, ordering us to go when we should stop, say “yes” when we feel “no”, and, in a particularly diabolical move, deny us naps. Look at the cheek. Their propaganda works like port wine at a college prom: its sickly sugariness lowers one’s defences and the next thing you know, you’re a bottle down, hugging a toilet bowl instead of that cutie from psychology class. But I digress.

It was reported (by unreliable sources) that in Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman’s marriage, which saw us through the ’90s, the superstars suffered from competitive exhaustion. The “I’m more tired than you” syndrome that anyone in a relationship that’s lasted longer than a month would attest to. Affairs, money issues, kids’ problems, the in-laws question, all get plenty of attention from relationship doctors ranging from counsellors to Vogue. What about the serious issue that is “so overt, it’s covert”?—to borrow a phrase from Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows.

Get out of jail free

In the manner of all scams, exhaustion is seductive. It helps shut out the non-stop stimulation the digital age subjects us to. Whether the world is falling apart—or simply one’s own sanity—tiredness is a shield that works untiringly. Like a dam against a raging river, it protects us from the harm that comes from knowing and feeling too much. But dams, as we know from writing that employs tired metaphors, burst. The superficial protection we get from exhaustion is unsustainable. It’s only a matter of time before the floodgates open and expose us to the elements.

Another use of tiredness is hard to debunk. Physical exhaustion helps us wriggle out of awkward or uninspiring social situations. That obligatory lunch with your college mate. The vacation with the overenthusiastic rafters. The beer date you made after your fifth beer. The second cousin you promised you’d play guide to. The concert you bought tickets for to broaden your musical horizons. Tiredness gives you a get-out-of-jail-free card when your conscience won’t allow you to bail. It’s a universally understood language which can withstand both an internal and external audit.

The revenge of the unslept

The satisfaction we derive from being dead tired is the problem. We’re brainwashed by sadistic scriptures and assiduous grandmothers, self-help gurus and sporting heroes to Keep Doing Things, if not to earn money then to instill self-worth. Basically, to earn our keep on earth. Every week is a Tetris game in which we try to fit in falling tiles shaped like work, relationships, fitness, fun, self-improvement and a dozen others in a manner that prevents our lives from exploding. Phew. Just typing this makes me want to reach for the pause button. By which I mean a leftover Diwali treat—an almond rock coated in dark chocolate, which has prompted a delicious thought.

What if we turned the narrative around? Instead of saying “I’m dead tired!” to gain approval and admiration, how about saying “I’m madly well-rested!” All-nighters at work will be passé. Whoever takes the longest nap wins. No more glazed eyes, aching limbs, sore thoughts. And since there will be no reason to unwind, there will be no mindless entertainment for numb brains i.e. reality shows. Everyone will watch the sunrise. Caffeine will lose its hold on us. Easy chairs will abound. World peace will break out. Just imagine.

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From HT Brunch, November 26, 2022

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