Relationship coach reveals ‘1 thing’ that kills desire in long-term relationships, how to get back the spark

Long-term relationships can suffer from lost desire due to emotional fusion. A therapist recommends cultivating individuality to spark passion.

Often, couples in long-term relationships start wondering how to keep their relationship alive. They end up feeling like the spark is lost. But have you ever stopped to think why it happens?

According to couples therapist Jeff Guenther, there is one thing that kills desire in long-term relationships. It is not ‘stress, boredom, ageing or falling out of love’. Rather, it is something quite common and it sneaks up on couples unaware. In a video shared on May 8, Jeff shared what to do if you want to get that spark back.

What's the 1 thing that kills desire in long-term relationships?

“It's emotional fusion,” the relationship coach said in the video. Now, what exactly is that? According to him, it's when two people become so emotionally entangled and merged that they slowly lose their individuality. “Desire doesn't thrive in sameness. It needs space. It needs otherness. It needs a little mystery,” he explained.

According to noted psychotherapist Esther Perel, humans want both security and excitement from the same person, and that tension is what makes desire feel alive. “It's the same feeling that you get when you first start dating,” Jeff added.

However, couples who have been together for a long time often get into the same routine, same dynamics, and same emotional wavelength. Then, unknowingly, the desire between them starts to fade.

Per the therapist, it's not because anything is wrong. “You can be in a deeply secure relationship. It's just that there's not enough distance to ignite the spark,” he explained.

How to get the spark back in your relationship?

The relationship therapist suggested reintroducing separateness. It can be done by letting yourselves be two whole humans with each other, not extensions of each other.

Jeff explained, “You follow your own curiosities. You do things apart, not just together. You remember that watching your partner shine without you is sometimes what makes you want to jump their bones later. You flirt again. You tease. You create space so that wanting and yearning can return.”

Separateness doesn't mean being distant

He also added a disclaimer, saying, “This doesn't mean becoming distant or detached. It means holding on to your own identity because that's what keeps you interesting, hot, and desire-worthy in the long run. Long-term love isn't the death of desire, but emotional fusion might be. So, if you want more spark, give each other just enough space to miss each other.”

Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice.