Want to tell your friend to dump their disappointing partner? Therapist Jeff Guenther warns how it can backfire

If a friend complains about their partner, sometimes it is better to let them analyse their experience for themselves, shares Jeff Guenther.

Almost all of us have that one friend who gets into a relationship and then holds on to it even when things are clearly not working out (fair warning: we can be that friend ourselves as well). As friends, it is our duty to hear them vent about their relationship troubles.

However, telling them outright to dump their disappointing partner outright, especially while they are opening up to us, might have a very different outcome than expected.

Taking to Instagram on July 26, therapist Jeff Guenther explained that the action typically has the exact opposite reaction. He explained what that is, and shared three things that we can consider saying instead.

How telling a friend to dump their partner can backfire

Jeff explained why telling a friend to dump their partner can backfire, saying, “When you tell someone to dump their partner, you're not just criticising their partner; you're criticising them. Their judgment, their taste, the last six years of their choices.”

When a person’s choices get attacked, it is not usual for them to open up to the validity of the arguments made. Instead, they defend themselves instinctively.

As Jeff shared, “So now your friend is going, ‘You don't know him like I do. He's actually so sweet.’ And congratulations. You just turned a person who is having doubts into someone who now has to prove to you that you're wrong about (their partner).”

“As a therapist, I know that people leave when they build the case themselves, not when well-intentioned friends hand it to them,” he shared.

When a friend tells another to leave their partner, it typically cements the latter further into the relationship. Moreover, they defend their partner, and then they stop telling their friend stuff.

“Now you're the friend who doesn't know anything,” pointed out Jeff.

Three things to say instead

Instead of saying “dump them” to a friend’s face, Jeff shared three things that one can try instead. They are presented as follows,

1. “How did that feel?” That's it. Be curious and present. You're not attacking their partner, so they've got nothing to defend. You're just pointing them back at their own experience, which, by the way, is the thing they've probably been avoiding.
2. “What did she say when you told her it bothered you?” If the answer is she apologised and it got better, great. Fine. Carry on. But if the answer is I can't tell her or she gets mad, well, they just heard themselves say that. You didn't have to say anything.
3. You don't sound confused. You sound tired. Because they're presenting as confused about the bad behaviour. But I bet they're not confused at all. They have all the information. They just need someone to notice that they already know.

Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice.

This report is based on user-generated content from social media. HT.com has not independently verified the claims and does not endorse them.

Jeff Guenther earned his master's degree in marriage and family therapy from the University of Southern California and his bachelor's degree in child and family development from San Diego State University. He has been based in Portland, Oregon, since 2005, with a private practice that focuses on both couples and individuals.