Malavika’s Mumbaistan: TongueInChic

(The secret diary of a prime time breaking-wind TV anchor and investigative journalist reporting on Indian and International Noose)

Monday, February 25, 2019
Oof! Such a crazy week it’s been dear diary. No sooner had reports come in that our neighbours from across the border had been summarily taught a lesson, after we sent our boys to take down the camps they had been secretly setting up, when their chief spin bowler – a man given to much posturing and preening, lobbed a hard ball at us, with a forceful delivery about ‘de-escalation of hostilities’ drawing much applause from all quarters. Naturally, we were not going to allow our wickets to fall and the game to be won by him in this manner. I had to think on my feet and rustle up a fitting response in the form of a strong representation of every hawk I could locate in the neighbourhood to mount a noisy, counter-offensive against his delivery. By the time they were done, the entire residential colony I live in was agog with noise, as we rallied against the neighbours across the border. Phew! Playing a friendly game of gully cricket in a Mumbai gated community can be so challenging.

Illustration by Shrikrishna Patkar ((HT))

Tuesday, February 26, 2019
It’s all very confusing and I just can’t get my head around it. Last we’d heard of her, Priyanka had married some little-known pre-pubescent singer from USA and was said to have settled down abroad to work on her accent. Next thing you know, she’s entered politics! There’s no end to how ambitious today’s women are, I tell you. Apparently, her mandate is to get as many seats as she can – most likely for her husband’s next concert or something. Or was it for the elections in UP? As I said, it’s all very confusing. I wish she’d make up her mind. And who on earth is this Robert? I thought she‘d married a Nick.

Wednesday, February 27, 2019
Got some much needed respite from politics and was assigned to report on a fashion show in Mumbai. Except, there were more film stars present on the ramp and in the audience than any fashion I could spot. Using all my charm (ahem) and back channel manoeuvring, I managed to get an interview with Bollywood’s current superstar who happened to be present. “I am most excited about my new assignment with Sanjay Lily Bhansali,” he said. “I have lost 20 kilos and worked out for five hours a day to do it justice.”
Gosh all that for a film? I said. Your dedication and commitment is exemplary.
“What film?” he replied. “I’m the show stopper for his new line of menswear for the fall/winter season.”

Thursday, February 28, 2019
Was invited by some society hostess to address her kitty group. When I arrived, the fine dining restaurant which she had booked for the event was presenting the tasting menu of its nouvelle molecular cuisine for the group. The servings were so molecular that all I could taste were a few sprigs of arugula leaves, a single cherry tomato and half a crouton of chicken. “It’s to die for,” said our hostess. I think what she meant was ‘die of starvation for’. But, I kept my mouth shut (for once) and wolfed down two plates of pav bhaji the minute I reached office.

Friday, March 1, 2019
Back in the studio to present my prime time debate. Who have you lined up, I asked my program manager. “Oh, an excellent line up for tonight, Sir. We’ve got The Usual Suspects,” he said. “The hyperventilating retired general. The lily livered liberal. The out-of-work actress, spokespeople of the four leading parties and the paanwaala from downstairs who had nothing better to do.”
Excellent I said, when can we start the shouting.. er shooting?

Saturday, March 2, 2019
The news about the forthcoming elections is heating up. The opposition appears to be floundering in its attempts to band together against the present incumbent who has been in the hot seat for five years now. Every now and then there is talk of a mahagathbandhan and the hot-headed lady from the east threatens to join forces with the family who lives on the upper floor, while the two occupants of the most crowded floor, who had never seen eye-to-eye before, have decided to throw in their lot together and fight from the same plank! And now, I hear, the incumbent is taking action against all those who criticise him on the community notice board. I tell you, dear diary, these Mumbai building society elections are so cumbersome.