When lack of intimacy is the elephant in the room

Adulting sucks!A 33-year-old male client who has been married for 5 years tells me, “There is love in our marriage, but no desire or intimacy for the last 3 years

Adulting sucks!

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A 33-year-old male client who has been married for 5 years tells me, “There is love in our marriage, but no desire or intimacy for the last 3 years. It’s as if we have forgotten what’s it like to be playful, to flirt with each other and even appreciate each other’s bodies. We jokingly ask each other if any of us is having an affair, though we know the answer is obviously no. We were passionate and enjoyed sexual intimacy when we were dating each other and even in the first two years of the marriage…but then it just began to fade.” He pauses to catch a breath, “Finally the secret is out, and I feel relieved, but also ashamed and exposed.”

In the therapy room, lack or absence of sexual intimacy is one of the big areas that emerges for both male and female clients when it comes to marriage or committed relationships.

Desire for and intimacy with our partner allow us to feel seen, heard and even held. As a result, their absence can have an impact on our self-esteem, confidence, and lead to feelings of rejection, sometimes even resentment towards the partner and a deep sense of loneliness. Sharing this even in therapy is hard and very often the client will share it like a burdensome secret. It can take people months or even years to acknowledge lack of intimacy as an unmet need.

This lack of connection can show up in different ways. For example, clients reach out to say they haven’t consummated their relationship despite years of dating or even marriage; then there are those who feel that they are no longer physically or emotionally attracted to their partner and that the marriage is falling apart. However, in the last eight years of my practice, there is a significant increase in the number of clients who experience satisfaction in their marriage from an emotional lens but grieve the loss of sexual connection and miss feeling seen and appreciated by their partner in a complete way. This ranges from clients in their early thirties to those who are in their sixties.

What’s clear is that this is not the just side effect of the pandemic and hybrid work. Our bedroom is often our workstation and this has greatly complicated things. At the same time since 2015, I have seen clients who talk about how there is a steady decline in their ability to tune in and sexually connect with their partner and its adverse impact on their physical wellbeing and ability to trust.

There are various factors that contribute to this state: The itch to constantly check phones, our over-dependence on technology, an increase in anxiety and a general sense of malaise that people across age groups are experiencing. This combined with increased work stress and being continually wired are all linked to a decrease in our libido. At the same time, I feel that we, as human beings, seem to forget that connection, desire, and sex require effort, patience, and communication. Our ability to be intimate with our partner is deeply linked to attention, exploration, curiosity, and playfulness that we can bring to relationships. With age and time, even as we love our partners, we forget to notice, appreciate them, their gestures or even make the effort to savor the little moments of connection. It’s important to see desire as something that emerges slowly and grows over small acts and moments. This can be lying in bed 10 minutes longer with your partner, not checking the phone first thing and instead looking into your partner’s eyes gently, planting that six second kiss as Dr. Gottman, a couples’ therapist calls it, and at other times our ability to talk about fantasies or even gazing at the loved on in a way that signals erotic energy. Given how domesticity takes over our lives, whether in live in relationships or marriage, we need to see our partners beyond the roles they play in our daily lives and all the caregiving they do.

Don’t give up on your ability as a couple to re-ignite this intimacy in your marriage. Like most things in life good sex is always about great communication, practice and given how complex our lives are, also about scheduling time for it. As the psychotherapist Esther Perel says, “Foreplay begins at the end of the previous orgasm”.

So, while loving your partner is a good beginning, make room for desire and sexual intimacy, it’s good for your relationship.