Here’s to being No.1

A calmer you.

A calmer you.

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The biggest stress in life is not in attaining the Number 1 spot, but in constantly struggling to stay on top

My friend Jayant’s wife called me the other day. “Do you know a good psychiatrist?” she asked, her voice a bit stifled. Now, let me confess a peculiar disability I suffer from — that of not being able to determine if the person with a choking voice on the other end of a telephonic conversation is crying or laughing.

In this instance, considering her question, I assumed she was crying. And, as usual, I was wrong. When I suggested she stop crying and calm down, she giggled. “Who’s crying? I just have a bad throat.”

Why do you want to see a shrink?, I asked her. ‘They charge a bomb for telling you things you already know.’

“It’s not for me,” she said, “I want to take Jayant to one. He’s become like Tiger Woods.”

I almost fell off the chair. ‘And you are laughing about it? How many women? For how long?’ I asked her.

“No no, I don’t mean in that sense,” she replied.“He has been declared the No. 1 executive in his company in the year-end performance evaluations. Didn’t you guys just publish something about Tiger Woods, being No.1?”

Shaking my head incredulously, I wondered if just being married to her is enough to qualify Jayant for lifelong visits to the psychiatrist. Anyway, she went on to explain how Jayant is very stressed ever since. “He’s unable to sleep, always seems tense and keeps mumbling about how he has to live upto that position.”

I am not surprised. It’s not just about Jayant, who sends emails even in the loo. But there’s something inherently stressful about getting to No.1 that affect each one of us. So much so that we hardly pause to enjoy or appreciate reaching that position. And often, it is the people closest to us who, in the name of expectations, virtually gift-wrap stress and pass it to us.

I’ve seen a friend drilling in her 4-year-old’s mind day-in and day-out that she’ll be the happiest mum when he’ll come first — in the exam, in a race, in poetry recitation... in everything. And I’m sure she’ll be doing this even when he turns 14...or 44. While we have a valid reason for wishing, that those we love reach the top in whatever they do, we fail to realize how, by constantly expressing that wish, we are burdening them. And the burden of living up to our expectations will, in fact, keep them from relishing that success. Because they’ll be too busy ‘maintaining it’.

When my neighbour’s 15-year-old son topped in his class 10 boards last year, I congratulated him and asked for a treat. “Sure, we’ll throw a big party,” replied his dad, before the poor boy could mumble a thank you. “But he can’t take it easy after having topped this one. The real struggle is the next two years and keeping up the lead in class 12,” he added. I can see another Jayant in the making.

My point: I’m not saying do not aspire to reach the top. But realize the difference between striving for growth in your performance —in studies or work, and getting into a race for positions. As for well wishers who have made it their mission in life to remind you that you have to be No. 1, tell them you’re working towards being the No. 1 in something that’s even harder to achieve. Calmness. And their silence will help you get to that top spot faster.

Sonal Kalra finished writing this column in a hurry... and in the middle of the night. Sleep can always wait. She’s been told that submitting before the deadline will make her the No. 1 columnist.