Is feeling shame really all that bad? A psychologist weighs in on Jacob Elordi's viral comment
Your relationship with shame is most likely complicated for reasons beyond just you — that's just the core nature of the feeling
If your scroll time through the day (and night) has left you with any one lasting impression, it's that being your most authentic self 24 hours a day is the secret to living your best life. And that's probably true.
Always been an oversharer? Constantly trauma dumping on your core crew coupled with self-soothing reflection turns into an unassuming routine quicker than the average of five story uploads a day. Conversely, like keeping everything on the down low? One vague post a year coupled with maintaining an unsolicited sense of secrecy ought to take care of your street cred.
All of this to say, no matter how authentic you think you're being, ultimately, most of us are always posing. Wanting attention as an adult is painted as immature, but in the same breath aren't the 'low-key' ones also asking for the same with their alt-mainstream aura? Everyone may not have the luxury of an 'audience', but for most, a conference of just one — themselves — is enough for the validation. For those that believe this arrangement to be ideal, know that while the chatter around mental health has never been louder than now, dysfunctionality being swept under the rug is just as pressing a problem.
During a chat with Wall Street Journal, Frankenstein alum Jacob Elordi was poshly posed with the question, “What's one lost art you wish was back in style?” Without flinching and with a self-assured smile, he said, “The art of shame. I wish people could experience shame a little heavier.”
While the statement feels like the perfect headline and your average reel clip that rages on the internet for a few weeks before dying off, Jacob may have hit a nerve when it comes to a deeper dialogue — is accountability for oneself completely lost as a concept? We asked an expert to weigh in.
Dr. Preeti Singh, Sr. Consultant Clinical Psychology Paras Health Gurugram, says, "There is a growing encouragement to celebrate self expression in every form, although not always with enough thought about its impact on others. Reintroducing healthy shame does not mean moral policing or restricting individuality. It means building emotional awareness and restoring the capacity to understand when our actions cross boundaries, and to adjust with responsibility rather than defensiveness."
Easier said than done, when 60-second snippets from social media have the power to alter our brain chemistry, even if temporarily. "Constant exposure to curated content and public opinion has normalised a level of self presentation that can make people less sensitive to their inner emotional cues, " says Dr. Singh, elaborating, "Many individuals feel pressure to be authentic, but the authenticity itself sometimes becomes performative when it is shaped for public viewing rather than genuine self expression. As a result, there is a blurring between emotional processing and content creation." Specifically addressing the content creation wave, she adds, "We also see a rising trend of people sharing deeply vulnerable moments online, including breakdowns or intimate emotional states, not always because they are seeking support but because they are conditioned to broadcast every feeling to an audience. This can lead to externalisation of emotions rather than internal reflection. Instead of asking themselves why they feel hurt or guilty, they turn to likes and comments as a form of emotional regulation. When this happens repeatedly, a person becomes disconnected from the kind of introspection that is essential for healthy shame to develop."
But what's the line between healthy and harmful shame in a real sense? "Harmful shame does not target the behaviour but the person. Instead of thinking that something went wrong, the individual begins to believe that they are the problem. Healthy shame is very different. (It) plays the role of an inner compass because it alerts us when our behaviour has gone against our values or when we have caused discomfort or hurt to someone else. It supports empathy and accountability by creating a moment of pause that allows us to reflect on our actions and make meaningful corrections."
Addressing the current scenario (or crisis if we may refer to it as that) of modern behaviour, Dr. Singh reflects, "What we are seeing today is behaviour that is both more individual driven and more externally dependent. Many people rely on external feedback from social approval or trends to understand what is acceptable, rather than depending on internal signals such as conscience, empathy or responsibility."
So was Jacob actually blasphemously right? "When people talk about bringing shame back, they are really talking about restoring a sense of balance. It is about helping individuals reconnect with empathy, boundaries, and the ability to examine their behaviour without collapsing into self loathing. In a world where everything is public and expressive, there is value in returning to quiet self reflection that strengthens accountability and emotional maturity, " Dr. Singh concludes.
Looks like bros and babes the world over, should maybe, hesitate.
