DMs across Kms: How to nourish a long-distance friendship

Face the fact that extra work will be needed, especially at the beginning, to establish that this friendship is still important, and to figure out what it will take to keep it intact. “It’s not just about missing the person,” says Chakravarthy. If you aren’t the person that moved away, be extra patient. “Realise that they are in the midst of setting up all over again in a new city. Be extra-supportive.” There will be times when one feels impatient, insecure or jealous, or like one is “doing all the work”. Expect these emotions, but try to keep them in check. Remember, it will take time to find a new formula that works for you both.

Anxiety comes from a place of caring. But anxiety and insecurity make it harder to cope with change. Instead, prepare for that change. There will be times when the friend cannot be there for you in quite the same ways as they were before. Find a way to accept this, says Chakravarthy. Time differences might mean that the after-lunch, after-work, and Friday night catch-ups have to change. Allow new patterns to form and new boundaries to take shape.

Make the small ones too. Did you send your friend coupons for a spa day as a reminder to unwind? Keep that tradition going, even if you can no longer enjoy the coupon together. A cake or flowers for a special day? Keep this tradition alive too. “There’s no reason for the thoughtful gestures to stop,” says Chakravarthy. “Make use of the highly accessible world that we live in and continue to send each other gifts. It’s the small things that go a long way.”

Technology can only help that much. If the only messages going back and forth are memes and gifs, the connection you shared could begin to fade. Ask questions, and listen. Try to be excited, or at least engaged, in the new things your friend is doing or discovering. “Don’t stop at casual chats. Share honest updates,” says Chakravarthy. “Bear in mind that when it comes to long-distance friendships, what’s more important than the medium of communication is the content being shared. Find out what is needed to keep the conversations going. The two of you may not be at the same stage in life any more. That’s normal, even. It doesn’t have to signify an end.”

“You may not hear from each other as regularly as before. They may not be there for the big moments. This is all right,” says Chakravarthy. Find ways to accept that your lives, while still linked, are more separate than they were before. It helps to acknowledge that change would have come to your bond anyway. No one stays the same. No two people’s bond remains the same either. “Allow for gaps, silences, and read messages that aren’t answered. If a long period of time goes by and there’s barely any communication, then have a heart-to-heart,” says Chakravarthy. Maybe you’ll eventually have to drop the B and just be friends forever. There’ll be someone else to go to the spa with, discuss work, celebrate birthdays and promotions. Try not to give up on the previous forever friend, though. Let what you shared resurface, when possible, without rancour. At birthdays and during visits home, during fleeting visits, reunions, wedding and other life events. They may not always be there for you, but the door doesn’t have to stay closed.