It does not matter how your ex is doing: Therapist Jeff Guenther explains how post-breakup healing is your own thing

Thinking about your ex after a breakup is not uncommon, but thoughts of how they might be feeling should not influence on how you decide to move on.

Breakups are often difficult, and people sometimes get caught up thinking about how their former partner is doing, even after they have decided to go their own ways.

Taking to Instagram on August 22, therapist Jeff Guenther reminded us that the good thing about breaking up is that one does not need to take into account what their ex is doing.

“Your worth and how lovable you are are not dependent on whether or not they figure out what they lost,” he stated. “Some people never figure that s*** out. They could go their whole entire life not realising it. And how lovely you are does not change at all.”

Does it matter how quickly your ex starts dating again?

According to Jeff, absolutely not. In his words, “How much they actually cared about you is not dependent on how quickly they start dating again. If they soft-launch someone new two weeks later, it does not mean that it all meant nothing.”

The therapist explained that lots of people who love deeply grab the nearest person after a breakup, while some people who did not even care about their ex take like 10 months between relationships.

“Speed tells you about how much they can't tolerate being alone, and that is all it tells you,” highlighted Jeff.

Being independent while healing from a breakup

The mental peace that a person searches for after a difficult breakup should not be dependent on them getting an apology from their ex, even though they may completely deserve it, pointed out Jeff.

At the same time, when one decides to get back into the dating pool again should be independent of when their former partner decides to do so. “You don't have to beat them to it. You don't have to wait them out. You do it when you feel curious and inspired to do it, not when the timing makes you look good,” stated the therapist.

Everyone grieves in their own way. As Jeff noted, “Your grief journey is not dependent on how they're grieving. Maybe they're okay. Maybe they're dissociated. Maybe they're having a great summer… But your journey is your own. And theirs is 100 percent their business that you don't have to decipher or figure out.”

You don’t need your ex to get closure

While people are generally aware of this, Jeff reminded that finding closure for one person should not involve their ex sitting them down and explaining themselves.

“Closure is just the story you eventually tell yourself about what all went down, and you can write that story when you're ready. You do not need them to cosign it,” stated the therapist.

Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition.

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Jeff Guenther is a licensed professional counsellor based in Portland, Oregon. He has a master's degree in marriage and family therapy from the University of Southern California and a bachelor's degree in child and family development from San Diego State University.