E-Paper
That other sport
Copies of Wisden and Indian Cricket lay on the table of the cricket statistician. But his current reading shocked me, writes V Gangadhar.
Copies of Wisden, the cricketer’s Bible and Indian Cricket lay on the table of the cricket statistician. But his choice of current reading shocked me. He was immersed in Everything you wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask. On the side table lay the Kama Sutra, The Kinsey Report, a copy of Masters and Johnson treatise on sex, Fanny Hill among other erotic literature.
“I have to focus on these because the game is changing, so are the players,” said the statistician. “New avenues are opening up for people like us and I would not like to be left behind.” I nodded. “What is the latest discovery?”
He peered at his computer screen. “Out of the 1,000 women who’ve had sex with Shane Warne, as reported in a biography, 567 are blondes, 221 brunettes, 100 redheads, 65 with Afro hairdos and the rest is mixed. He had sex with 35 per cent of the women on rainy nights, 26 per cent on summer nights and the rest in the daytime. This study was quite a challenge.”
“Will these statistics be in demand in future?” I enquired.
“The recent biography on the bowler came up with the 1000 figure,” said the statistician. “Very soon, such information may be needed in the commentators box and we have to be ready. There are many aspects to be studied. What are the percentages of women who were nude, partially-clothed or fully clothed when they were with Warnie? I am working on that.”
I nodded. The statistician consulted his notes. “Whenever Warnie took 10 or more wickets in a Test match, he had had two partners the night before the achievement. This figure is three whenever he achieved a hat-trick on the field.”
“Remarkable,” I exclaimed.
“I can tell you why Shane never did well on his Indian visits,” said the statistician. “Our girls did not find him attractive. Hence no wickets on the field.”
I thought over this. “Look, that is a bit unusual. I don’t know why he did not click in India. I mean, his spinning fingers had more rest here, didn’t they?”
The statistician knit his brows. “That is a good point and I will look into it. “But sportstars and sex seem to go hand in hand. Didn’t you read about the confessions of Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho’s girlfriend that during the recent World Cup, he broke team curfew every night to be with her?”
“Did that explain his lacklustre performance in the World Cup?” I asked.
“We really have to work on this a bit more,” replied the statistician. “Sex with a thousand women enabled Warney to be the leading wicket taker in Test cricket. But with Ronaldinho, the magic did not work. I will discuss this with some psychologists and then prepare my results.”
