Spectator by Seema Goswami: If you hate it, say it

Being polite isn’t always ideal. Sometimes, turning down an invite or a gift is the nicest thing you can do – for yourself

From the time we are children, one lesson is drilled into us by the adults around us: Be polite. Be polite no matter how irritated you are. Be polite no matter what the provocation. Be polite even if the other person is not. Be polite because good manners cost nothing. I could go on, but you get the general drift.

It’s only when you grow up and become an adult in your own right, that you realise politeness is not always the answer no matter what the question. On the contrary, life throws up many occasions on which it does not pay to be polite at all – in fact, it has the opposite effect. Don’t believe me? Well, allow me to count the ways:

We often go into ‘polite mode’ when someone gets us a present we loathe. (ADOBE STOCK)

· How do you react when you get a present you absolutely loathe? Well, if you are anything like me, you immediately go into ‘be polite’ mode. And that means responding with enthusiastic thanks and acting as if you love, love, love the gift. I even go to the extent of wearing the present or displaying it prominently in the presence of the person who gave it. You know what happens next, right? I get the same sort of thing year after year because the person in question now believes that he/she has cracked my taste. And I have nobody to blame for this sad state of affairs except myself.

· We all get our share of invitations that strike terror in our hearts. My nightmare scenarios include Holi parties, Diwali milans, musical soirees where the hosts insist on performing, art exhibitions that are vanity projects for people with more money than talent, and so on. The default position when presented with these invitations is to ‘be polite’ and turn up for a short while to mark your attendance before making your escape. Well, I’m done wasting the time I have left on this planet on these tedious get-togethers. From now on, I am going to make my excuses and stay right at home.

Why force yourself to go to parties you don’t enjoy, like poor Eloise in Bridgerton?

· When I visit people’s homes, I have absolutely no problem lying about the food the hostess has served up. Even if I absolutely hate it, I paste a smile on my face and pretend to love it. Hell, I even go back for seconds. But when it comes to restaurants, there is no point in doing the whole ‘be polite’ thing. Now, I don’t go out of my way to diss the chef if he is serving up slop, but if I am asked by the wait staff or the kitchen how I like the food, I am going to be honest. So, don’t ask the question if you don’t want the truth – polite or otherwise.

From HT Brunch, October 24, 2026

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