Always on the edge in relationships? Know the reasons and 3 ways to heal from anxious attachment style

Whether it’s getting anxious over late replies or asking ‘Do you still love me if I were a worm?’ anxious attachment style always makes you feel on the edge.

Attachment style in a relationship is how you think, behave, and connect. These styles show up in patterns, both in behaviour and thought processes. Your attachment style shapes how you love and handle arguments.

Even when everything in the relationship is smooth sailing, people with anxious attachment style look for signs that something may be wrong or that they might get left behind. (Freepik)

Anxious attachment style is one of the four attachment styles. The other three are secure, avoidant, and disorganised. As the name itself suggests, anxious attachment has excessive worry rooted in the fear of being left, rejected or abandoned. This, in turn, increases the need to overanalyse everything, reading between the lines. They seek constant reassurance from partners. The need for validation can range from constantly seeking reassurance with weird hypothetical questions like ‘Do you still love me if I were a worm?’ to reacting badly in arguments.

Sometimes a person with an anxious attachment style may appear too clingy or emotional. Even a change in tone or a delayed reply will set off their anxiety, making them spiral and overthink.

Atlanta-based dating coach Erica, who regularly shares tips on improving emotional intimacy in relationships, on 27 May shared the reasons behind this anxious attachment style and how one can heal from this cycle of doubt and emotional distress.

Reasons for anxious attachment style

Erica explained, “You may find yourself doubting your partner's love or desire to be with you even when there is no reason to doubt your partner. At your core, you are perceiving a threat. The root threat or fear is abandonment. Abandonment wounds are created because of past experiences of being emotionally and/or physically abandoned by the people who were supposed to take care of you. Realizing that your anxiety/worry is not rooted in any facts or evidence is the first step to helping yourself de-escalate, soothe your inner child, and heal your abandonment wounds.”

Previous incidents of rejection or abandonment, maybe in childhood, fuel this attachment style as the relationship coach shared. This makes the bitter past experience a blueprint that actively shapes how you behave in relationships later on, always on the edge of expecting pain.

How to heal?

People with anxious attachment style fear abandonment from their partners, which makes them seek reassurance. (Freepik)

Healing is important for both you and your partner. It can be exhausting to feel restless, with anxiety draining you from being present and trusting your partner. Similarly, your partner may reach a point where they feel overwhelmed by your need for constant reassurance. The relationship may feel like walking on eggshells for both of you; a vicious cycle of mistrust, a push and pull that is exhausting for both. This is why healing is so important.

Erica shared these 3 ways that may help you set free from this anxious attachment style:

1. The moment you feel anxious or worried, identify and name it. Get in touch with and notice your feelings.
2. Ask yourself: “What meaning am I assigning to this situation that is causing me to feel this feeling?” and “How do I know that this belief is true?”
3. Decide to handle your feelings on your own by self-soothing and/or communicate your experience to your partner so that they can also offer clarity and reassurance.

Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition.