Psychologist explains why micro-conflicts lead to breakdown of marriages in India; shares ways to deal with them better

Conflicts are a natural part of every relationship, but what happens when you brush them aside every time? Dr Desai explains how relationships are affected.

In many Indian households, couples are taught that keeping the peace means keeping quiet. Arguments are seen as threats to harmony, and silence is often mistaken for maturity. But what happens when disagreements are repeatedly brushed under the carpet? Over time, unspoken frustrations and unresolved tensions can build up, only to erupt in ways that cause deep, sometimes irreparable damage to a relationship.

HT Lifestyle reached out to Dr Devanshi Desai for her expert insights - a Mumbai-based counselling psychologist and couples’ therapist with a doctorate from the University of London, who attributes the collapse of marriages not to one major argument but to a weakening bond over time due to growing emotional distance and unaddressed, unresolved issues.

“Minor disputes can arise unexpectedly, growing from trivial disagreements into serious conflicts that may even lead to separation, whether couples are married or in a relationship,” she explains. “This may partly stem from cultural conditioning. In many Indian families, partners are encouraged to 'stay calm’ or avoid conflict in order to preserve harmony, believing that openly discussing issues may disturb family balance. But silent conflicts can equally be damaging.”

Disagreements are inevitable

According to Dr Desai, disagreements are a natural and inevitable part of any relationship. Differences in personality, values and communication styles mean clashes are bound to happen. The issue, however, is not the disagreement itself - it is how couples choose to manage and navigate those moments that truly determines the health of the relationship.

She explains, “We cannot avoid them completely. Every couple is different. People have different communication styles, values, and expectations. So, clashes are bound to happen. But disagreements are not the problem. How they are managed and handled is where the problem lies. If handled effectively, they can strengthen a relationship.”

Micro-conflicts spiral into larger issues

The psychologist explains that micro-conflicts often stem from everyday behaviours that quietly accumulate over time - not actively listening, being inattentive to a partner’s needs, or forgetting things that matter to them. While these actions may seem minor in isolation, their repeated occurrence can leave a partner feeling overlooked or unimportant, gradually snowballing into deeper resentment and larger relationship issues.

Dr Desai notes, “Micro-conflicts in relationships often arise from simple everyday behaviour. This may include not listening attentively during conversations, staying on the phone while a partner is speaking, or interrupting mid-way. Something as simple as forgetting something important, not appreciating your partner, or ignoring their preferences, can also slowly create tension. When such issues are ignored or suppressed, they later grow into larger problems. The person experiencing this may begin to feel unimportant. Individually, these actions may seem minor, but when repeated, they slowly weaken the connection and threaten the bond.”

Open communication and mutual respect is important for resolving conflicts. (Image generated via Google Gemini)

When does conflict start harming a relationship?

According to Dr Desai, conflict starts to harm a relationship when it involves hurtful words, explosive reactions, withdrawal, manipulation, or problems that are never properly addressed.

She explains, “If arguments repeatedly make a partner feel unheard, the relationship starts to suffer in the long run. These patterns usually stem from ineffective communication, unresolved emotional wounds, or difficulty managing stress.”

How to manage conflict better?

The psychologist emphasises that disagreements do not automatically question compatibility between partners. They are a natural outcome of two individuals expressing their thoughts, needs and perspectives openly. What truly matters is the approach - listening with intent, respecting each other’s feelings, and making a conscious effort to work through the conflict together rather than against one another.

She explains, “However, disagreement in a relationship does not automatically signal incompatibility. First of all, partners must understand that it is a natural outcome of two individuals expressing themselves honestly. So, take a pause before reacting, listen attentively, recognise each other’s feelings, and make an effort to repair. I often say to the couples I work with that, conflict that is unrepaired becomes distance and builds resentment.”

The couples’ therapist ultimately highlights that healthy conflict is not about proving who is right or winning an argument, but about navigating differences with empathy, mutual respect and a shared commitment to understanding one another.

Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition.